Waxing lyrical

I've been really moody for the past couple of months now and recent situations and emotional (or perhaps hormonal) imbalances have tipped the scale so that I am officially a tempermental minefield. I swing between raging with boiling frustration and holding on to a veritable hope that there is light for me at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I really am bipolar afterall. My sis has been egging on the intake of Evening Primrose Oil and Omega-3 to help with the situation.

No, things are not bad for me. They haven't been bad for awhile. Ever since I've awakened the spirit of gratitude, I have been a much happier person, a more content and peaceful one too. But lately, it's not working. Giving thanks for everything good and bad in my life is not working as well as it used to.

I now know what an impotent guy feels like. According to Dictionary.com, IMPOTENT is
/ˈɪmpətənt/[im-puh-tuhnt]– adjective
1. not potent; lacking power or ability.
2. utterly unable (to do something).
3. without force or effectiveness.
4. lacking bodily strength or physically helpless.
5. (of a male) unable to attain or sustain a penile erection.
6. (esp. of a male) sterile.
7. Obsolete. without restraint.

Save for the inability to attain or sustain a penile erection, I am all of the above.

Sterile.

My life is utterly sterile.

I have lost passion and fervour and have no recollection of ever being utterly consumed by something. But I'm healthy and secure and I have a job and my family and people who love me. So what else do I want? Am I being ungrateful? No. I am very grateful. Perhaps Maslow was right. The more needs that are met, an innate need to achieve self-actualisation arises.



I have pretty good ideas of what will fulfill me but lack the guts to do it. Almost all my life I have played on the safe side. I've been afraid to take risks, always persuaded that security is best and more important than anything else. But playing on this side never fulfilled me much. Instead I stare over the fence looking and envying at those pursuing their dreams and wish I had the same kind of guts to do so. Fear has held me back from so much especially the fear of poverty and failure. The irony is that playing on the safe side did not make me rich nor successful either. Then again, I've never placed much of a premium on wealth and material success to pursue it with dogged determination.

Dare I rock the boat now?

Tired (wo)man....

I'm exhausted.

I'm so glad the event's over but I've never been so tired to do a relatively simple forum. I was tired before I embarked on it and even more so during. And now that it's over, and despite my 10.30pm lights out policy these days, the lingering effects of fatigue are not fading away. I.AM.GETTING.OLD.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When did this ageing process creep up on me without me knowing???

Sad but true. My skin's in such terrible condition that even a 80-minute SKll facial could only do so much. The facialist recommended me to intensively treat the problem with 2 masks per week for a month for it to stabilise. Wah Lao... a pack of 6 masks ($98 - $115) will last me only 3 weeks. So smart little me has decided to alternate between a regular Watsons hydrating and whitening mask ($7.95 for pack of 6) and the SKll one so that that SKll pack will last me 6 weeks instead. And so far, after 2 weeks, it's working. Skin's more hydrated, pigmentation less prominent (I have some terrible scars lately from all the breakouts) and makeup glides on alot better than before. Even the colls said my complexion looks brighter.

Moral of the story - Use masks regularly. I'm a total convert. Even the cheap ones are ok. I just don't buy those made in China. Scared lah. The Watsons ones I use is made in Korea. Green box one - nothing fancy but does its job. And I have what they call complicated skin. Very thin and sensitive. Plus dehydrated on top and oily below. This was the conclusion using the SKll skin analyser thingamajig.

I get so envious looking at my sister's skin which can use almost anything drugstore and reaps results, or at The Bf's seemingly poreless complexion which he does not use anything except Eversoft facewash. Some people are born with good skin. Sigh...

I wonder if I should go back to Kin Mun Clinic for a light and peel soon.

Am I cursed or something?

It's been awhile hasn't it? I write 3 posts in a month, then disappear for 3 months. I guess that's because my life's been happy and peaceful up till now. I had 3 months of quiet and uneventfulness. Some people may think it's boring. I find it wonderful. Life doesn't have to be a witch's brew of excitement and adventures for it to be fulfilling. I like the coasting. I like the soft rocking of a hammock and the bubbling of a brook to the roar of the ocean. Then again, I have always been a laid back type of gal. And I make no apologies for it. All the "polite feedback" from industrious busy bees be damned.

My peace was shattered last evening. By another tumultuous turn in The Relationship. No, it didn't end. No, it wasn't even that big a fight. No, there were no 3rd parties. The horror descended in the form of realisation that I could very well be damned. Or cursed when it came to happy relations. Either that or I have to be constantly reminded that it comes with a hefty pricetag. Or that it never lasts and I'm just kidding myself that I can sustain a peaceful relationship.

Earlier the same day, I was just thinking we're going to be fine. All is good and calm. We're very happy, warm and fuzzy, shit hit the fan right that evening and brought me thumping back to earth. We had a horrid end to the evening. I teared for a little while then nothing. Just numb. Here it goes again... I'm never meant to be happy for long am I?

Something has always got to get screwed up. And somehow it's always my fault.

Again.

Always wrong.

Always the troublemaker.

Always. Always. Always.

Again. Again. Again.

Lesson learned - never be consciously happy. Never think to yourself that you are blessed for long. Cos it bites you in the butt like a rottweiler.

Reminder of God's grace

I don't think I have ever posted 3x in a month before so this is a record.But the reason for this post is because I read my 20 year old cousin's post on Facebook and it moved me to tears. This a girl 11 years my junior. Heck, she's born in 1989!!! Yet she is so incredibly mature for her age and probably even more so than me at mine now. If I ever had a daughter, I would want her to be just like Nat.

Here's an excerpt from her post from 1 January 2009 and I just wanted to put it here on my blog so that I will always be reminded of it.

And thank you Nat for the reminder that God is faithful forevermore and when you surrender, everything just falls into place.

Just before 12AM today, it struck me that this is the second year I can truly say that I have absolutely no regrets for the old year, and that I look forward to the year ahead with joy, hope, and more than that - a sense of security and confidence that it will be great. It is an amazing and privileged position to be in. More than that, it is a position that is pretty impossible to achieve on my own.

Honestly, how can anyone hope to have no regrets, disappointments or fears going into the new year, unless they have lived the year perfectly? And I know I haven't. I've screwed up as much as the average person, maybe more. There are so many things I could have done better. But as I was looking back, trying to figure out what the big mistakes of 2008 were so I could do better in 2009, I could barely see them. All I could see was the overwhelming grace of God covering every aspect of my life. Turning mistakes into successes that drew me closer to Him. Leading me and walking beside me through every situation big and small (including sleeping on airport benches in Heathrow).

It's not that I don't have a list of things that should be done better in 2009, it's just that for each thing on that list, I can recall the Lord's faithfulness in 2008 - in spite of those failures. Those things don't hold me back because someone bigger, stronger and kinder than me is leading me in paths of righteousness, and there's no turning back.

I realised recently that the very best place to be is one of gratitude. Not a hurriedly belted-out thanks-for-the-turkey, or even making a long list of thanksgivings (though that might serve as an means of expression). It's being brought to a position of knowing how undeserving I am of everything I've been given. Job, grades, scholarship, family, spiritual family and leadership, CHC, good roommate, safe travel, and most importantly His presence and guidance and patience in spite of my selfishness, rebelliousness and unfaithfulness. His mercy and forgiveness through the blood and the cross.

It reaches a point of wanting to ask "WHY am I so blessed? I don't understand. I should be cast out, alone in the depths of the earth for all the crap I've done." At that point words fail and raised hands and tears and bowed knees can only begin to express the overflowing gratitude and joy of the heart. When grace is poured out, I see my smallness in the light of God's abundance and there is no other way to respond.

Crossing over into the new year, that's the place I find myself again. And with this gratitude comes boldness and a hopeful certainty, because what God did in 2007, He did again in 2008, and He'll do again in 2009 - "He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake." Faith in someone who is faithful is relying on someone reliable. It's a very sensible thing to do - that's why businesses stress their track record. "Anchor beer, brewed since 1896," etc. I imagine a similar slogan - "God, faithful since The Beginning." There's no one else I will surrender my 2009, and beyond that, my entire life to with joy and thanksgiving.

It will be an amazing year, and an amazing lifetime."

Alone

Ever felt lonely in a crowded room? The feeling of so many people around you chattering away and somehow, you just can't bring yourself to join in the conversations and if you do, you're just pretending to listen and smile and nod while not engaging anyone really. I get that feeling alot these days.

Working in this kind of environment is a great eye-opener about the greyness of human personalities. Some have genuine good intentions, and then when you think you prolly had that person figured out, she turns into a black Medusa. Deadly, but with a smile always. Here I see the 2 sides of the coin of a person constantly and it confused me initially. Then I gave up trying to figure them out and just let them be. But what i have learnt is to withhold information about myself. Don't give them anything to gossip about. You don't ever know when it will come to bite you in the butt.

I feel distant from people nowadays. I don't trust the ones I see daily enough to confide anything in them. Nor am I keen to do so. Their behaviours have disillusioned me and I turn away in distaste and since am not the type to patronise, they just ignore me. Till I'm useful again. So sad...

My closest girlfriends are all married with kiddies of their own and their own families to take care of; others are not interested in marriage and kids and concentrate on their careers. I am in limbo. Neither here nor there, not belonging anywhere. I want marriage and kids but my partner's not ready. I am not that interested in my career either because I've realised that people aren't really interested in its cause (neither am I in all honest truth).

It's a past time for some to keep busy cos their tai tai lifestyles are too boring. Others use it to rack up notches on their resume and grab the opportunities hobknob with the wealthy and powerful. They don't do any real work. They just show up and mingle and pretend all the hard work is theirs. I don't need recognition from the outside world but a simple thank you would be nice and very much appreciated. And when I say a simple thank you, it means just that, not after thanking me, proceed to inform me that it should have been done this way or that when they were not bothered to help from the beginning. Now THAT is what really pisses me off.

The BF says a job is just a job. That you perform a service and you get paid for your service at the end of the month and after that, you're square again. It's a very useful mindset to adopt but I'd never been one like that. His constant tutelage has paid off in some ways. I have learnt some detachment. And by seeing clearly, I've learnt to accept the ugliness of people more.

I feel alone. There. I've said it. Admitted it. I am numb and don't have the same zest anymore. There is still plenty of peace but its accompanied by sadness. What can I do to fill this void in my life?

All I want for my wedding is....

Thanks to an entry on Angela's blog, I was inspired to try this for myself. Unlike Ange who never gave weddings a thought, I on the other hand, have always known I wanted to be a wife and mom. Maybe deep down inside, I just want to make things right in my own future family but I also know now that there is no such thing as a "right" family. Families are all dysfucntional in some way or other. What I have come to realise is that happy couples often have happy families. Often but not all the time. It starts with the folks and once you get that right, half the battle's won.

I wonder sometimes what would happen to the BF and I if we were to tie the knot. We are so different from each other. He's the practical go-getter type that loves fast cars and fancy stuff while I'm just the head-the-clouds idealist who just wants a normal peaceful life. He likes the vibrancy and pulsating beat of city life and I like quiet places full of fresh air and peace and adventures like white water rafting, hiking, etc. I don't do that in SG but when I'm overseas in that kind of environment, I feel alive. We have different religions and come from totally different backgrounds too. His family is the traditional chinese type while my folks can be classified as kampong-bohemian.

But I think it's our differences that pull us towards each other and we find comfort in each other as well. I look to him for practical advice and to teach me the ways of the world that I'm clueless about and he, well, I can only guess that he finds my simplicity attractive.

It's coming to 2 years soon for us. Seems longer, everyone says. Even I feel that too. Since I cannot speak for him, I can only say that I am happy but have my worries about the gap in personalities and character. I am also as mule stubborn but what this relationship has taught me is that sacrifice comes with everything worth fighting for. I see in this man a good heart, struggling to reconcile desires with contentment, a person who is loyal and protective, that feels deeply but tries not to show it, a walking paradox in so many ways that is both frustrating and endearing at the same time. Perhaps that is why I love him. That he is interesting and unpredictable and never boring. And that he loves me in his funny little ways.

So. I'm just going to take a backseat and let things pan out. It's not like it's a decision that I can make on my own. It involves another human being so it's only fair for both to make it work. BUT... if I can indulge my fantasies for awhile, here's my wedding theme:


When:
April to May - the month of our anniversary and month of Easter. I definitely don't think its appropriate to have weddings during the season of Lent and Good Friday. Very bad taste.


Colour:
Either pink & green or purple & silver. Pink & Green are colours that make me very happy while Purple & Silver has a classy touch.


Where:
In church with a soloist singing Ave Maria as I walk down the aisle with my Dad. Afterwards, lunch under a white canopy in an outdoor courtyard filled with pink and green blooms. I so don't want a traditional Chinese dinner. Kind of dread it actually.


What:
4-course meal with dessert buffet and a huge chocolate fountain with mountains of strawberries dusted with icing sugar. Witty, funny emcee-host and hostess. String quartet with soloist. Toasts by my best friends.


Favours:
Pink, green and brown Chocs and Candies shaped in the "shuang xi" letters in a jar tied with pink and green polka dot ribbon.


Attire:
Vera Wang is way too expensive but I'll settle for a lookalike. Or a Monique Lhullier. Their gowns are just too gorgeous. Nothing too flouncy. I like soft, fluid designs. And it has to NOT emphasize my fat arms.


Music:
I'm not particular but not slow stuff. Happy happy joy joy works for me - will leave music choice to my sister.


Entertainment:
I actually like the photo montage thingy they show at chinese wedding dinners but prefer it to include photos or videos of friends and family who are attending. Makes it inclusive. If there could be a couple dancing the argentinien tango would be fab! I always thought it was one of the most sensual dances ever created. And of cos, a singer for all to listen to.


Honeymoon:
Spain, Italy or France would be nice. Somewhere laid back, romantic and full of little holes-in-the-wall to visit.

When the hormones kick in

I hate it when these things called hormones act up. I sort of picture them like millions of horrid green imps with pitchforks coursing through my body wrecking havoc everywhere.

I wonder if most women feel it as keenly as I do. My whole back feels perpetually on fire and I can't sleep lying on my back as I always do. Yes, my sleeping position is like that of a vampire... arms folded across my bolster atop me. It's not a very graceful sight. Apart from the physical body going haywire like profuse perspiration, swollen boobs and all, my fuse gets really short and everything irritates me. Worse thing is, I KNOW that it's happening. Kind of an out-of-body experience.

It gets worse as I age. Or perhaps its because I'm getting more aware of the changes to my body. Ever since I hit the big 3-O, my hips have gotten wider and the body stores fat like a squirrel stores nuts for winter. My appetite hasn't changed but the metabolism sure has and maybe that's the problem. Fat deposits everywhere. Skin has slackened and its lost its dewiness. Exfoliation has become a twice weekly affair now that the pores keep clogging up. Dark spots take an eternity to lighten, if it has to begin with. To think I'd always thought I'd age relatively well. But confronting it now, it's a really tough battle.

I see a need for change in my lifestyle. I see a need to get back into an exercise regime, to eat well and rest more. However, the urgency is somewhat suppressed by the end of each day, after confronting the stresses of adulthood issues. Solace is found in TV and junk which after consuming, just makes me feel sick. The only real peace I have is in prayer. Prayer and faith that keep me sane, keep me going knowing that this is another part of the journey.

The comforting thing is, that despite all the weird on-goings in my physicality, I now have an inner strength that I never had before. I face the world with all its daily battles in my stride, because I am not alone. I hear His whispers in the stillness of my heart and the joy I feel is beyond description. It makes life livable, even beautiful despite all the doom and gloom that we read about everyday.

Some people ask why do you bother when God lets these horrible things happen? Fires in Australia, fighting in Gaza, moral breakdown in the UK with a 13 year old fathering a child, global economic meltdown that wiped out so many people's lifesavings and drove them out of their homes? Someone said to me there is no god and we're all going to get sucked into a black hole when we die.

What have you done to make life for the people and environment around you better? I ask them. We never take responsibility for our actions, choosing to justify in such a way that it just benefits our own selfish motives. We encourage greed and the glorify the grotesque and we wonder why our world is going to the dogs? We reap what we sow. So stop whining and do something about it. Help someone, be nice to your family and friends and colleagues even when they are horrible to you, be less self centred. Volunteer for something, anything. If you're not doing anything, you have no right to sit on your arse and complain. When was the last time you gave thanks for all that you have?

God listens and speaks when you quieten yourself and block out the white noise. People who say there isn't one don't look for Him hard enough.

Why should He come to you when you don't go to Him?