Waxing lyrical

I've been really moody for the past couple of months now and recent situations and emotional (or perhaps hormonal) imbalances have tipped the scale so that I am officially a tempermental minefield. I swing between raging with boiling frustration and holding on to a veritable hope that there is light for me at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I really am bipolar afterall. My sis has been egging on the intake of Evening Primrose Oil and Omega-3 to help with the situation.

No, things are not bad for me. They haven't been bad for awhile. Ever since I've awakened the spirit of gratitude, I have been a much happier person, a more content and peaceful one too. But lately, it's not working. Giving thanks for everything good and bad in my life is not working as well as it used to.

I now know what an impotent guy feels like. According to Dictionary.com, IMPOTENT is
/ˈɪmpətənt/[im-puh-tuhnt]– adjective
1. not potent; lacking power or ability.
2. utterly unable (to do something).
3. without force or effectiveness.
4. lacking bodily strength or physically helpless.
5. (of a male) unable to attain or sustain a penile erection.
6. (esp. of a male) sterile.
7. Obsolete. without restraint.

Save for the inability to attain or sustain a penile erection, I am all of the above.

Sterile.

My life is utterly sterile.

I have lost passion and fervour and have no recollection of ever being utterly consumed by something. But I'm healthy and secure and I have a job and my family and people who love me. So what else do I want? Am I being ungrateful? No. I am very grateful. Perhaps Maslow was right. The more needs that are met, an innate need to achieve self-actualisation arises.



I have pretty good ideas of what will fulfill me but lack the guts to do it. Almost all my life I have played on the safe side. I've been afraid to take risks, always persuaded that security is best and more important than anything else. But playing on this side never fulfilled me much. Instead I stare over the fence looking and envying at those pursuing their dreams and wish I had the same kind of guts to do so. Fear has held me back from so much especially the fear of poverty and failure. The irony is that playing on the safe side did not make me rich nor successful either. Then again, I've never placed much of a premium on wealth and material success to pursue it with dogged determination.

Dare I rock the boat now?