Alone

Ever felt lonely in a crowded room? The feeling of so many people around you chattering away and somehow, you just can't bring yourself to join in the conversations and if you do, you're just pretending to listen and smile and nod while not engaging anyone really. I get that feeling alot these days.

Working in this kind of environment is a great eye-opener about the greyness of human personalities. Some have genuine good intentions, and then when you think you prolly had that person figured out, she turns into a black Medusa. Deadly, but with a smile always. Here I see the 2 sides of the coin of a person constantly and it confused me initially. Then I gave up trying to figure them out and just let them be. But what i have learnt is to withhold information about myself. Don't give them anything to gossip about. You don't ever know when it will come to bite you in the butt.

I feel distant from people nowadays. I don't trust the ones I see daily enough to confide anything in them. Nor am I keen to do so. Their behaviours have disillusioned me and I turn away in distaste and since am not the type to patronise, they just ignore me. Till I'm useful again. So sad...

My closest girlfriends are all married with kiddies of their own and their own families to take care of; others are not interested in marriage and kids and concentrate on their careers. I am in limbo. Neither here nor there, not belonging anywhere. I want marriage and kids but my partner's not ready. I am not that interested in my career either because I've realised that people aren't really interested in its cause (neither am I in all honest truth).

It's a past time for some to keep busy cos their tai tai lifestyles are too boring. Others use it to rack up notches on their resume and grab the opportunities hobknob with the wealthy and powerful. They don't do any real work. They just show up and mingle and pretend all the hard work is theirs. I don't need recognition from the outside world but a simple thank you would be nice and very much appreciated. And when I say a simple thank you, it means just that, not after thanking me, proceed to inform me that it should have been done this way or that when they were not bothered to help from the beginning. Now THAT is what really pisses me off.

The BF says a job is just a job. That you perform a service and you get paid for your service at the end of the month and after that, you're square again. It's a very useful mindset to adopt but I'd never been one like that. His constant tutelage has paid off in some ways. I have learnt some detachment. And by seeing clearly, I've learnt to accept the ugliness of people more.

I feel alone. There. I've said it. Admitted it. I am numb and don't have the same zest anymore. There is still plenty of peace but its accompanied by sadness. What can I do to fill this void in my life?