When will I, will I be normal?

I don't know about you but from the earliest time I can recall, I know that I'm not normal. Not in a bad way or a good way. Just different from the usual people and how I long to be normal. To be run 'o the mill... to be like any other Singaporean girl.. whatever that means. I can't comment since I've never been to "normality". This kind of makes me sound like a retard but perhaps in some abstract way, we're not so different. Only that retardation is an accepted normality and to an extent evident in the physical makeup. My disability is hidden and cannot be detected unless you are close to me or in constant contact. I don't know which is worse.

I've tried my damnest to fit in all my life. In kindergarten, I was the girl who spoke english and no mandarin in a class of chinese speaking PAP kids. There was just a total communication lapse and it was only after I learnt mandarin that it became better. I had maybe 2 friends and I really didn't like boys. So smelly... so noisy.

Primary school wasn't much better. Alot of my kindergarten classmates went to the same neighbourhood school so same communication difficulties. I was the teacher's pet with the unpronoucable ang mo name and totally hilarious cheena one. I was the one that won every gold track and field trophy for 6 years in a row but really hated to run. I was class monitress, prefect and god knows what else. I was the one that the boys had crushes on and incurred the wrath of some females. Yes, we're talking about primary school. Don't ask me why kids have crushes at that age. I didn't. I was merely the object of desire that stuffed chili padi down their throats. I know this doesn't sound too bad but all of it made me stick out. And all I ever wanted was to be the wallflower. I don't want the limelight. Not comfortable.

Then after 6 years of being pushed to the front, I finally went to a Catholic school and there, I still stuck out like a sore thumb. The neighbourhood school girl with the funny chinese name. Still prefect, still track and field. Some things don't change despite my protests. Except now no boys. Or so I thought. Man, convent girls grow up fast! They found my gullibility and country bumpkin-ness endearing I suppose. Cos the notoriously naughty ones became my circle of friends. And led me astray.

Ok, this childhood bit is getting a bit long and tedious. And while I can safely say i spent the happiest days of my school life in secondary school (cos most of them spoke my language. It was wonderful and carefree and I think I kept some of my innocence despite all my worldly, wayward friends.

College was a nightmare. Worst 2 years of my life with the only saving grace being my girlfriends that I made and still have them till today. I could go on and on on how to be weirdo without trying and I'm tired. I'm exhausted at trying to playact and brainwash myself and reprogramme to be conventional and fit in. Think like a practical Singaporean. Be a typical girl. Don't think so much. Concentrate on the career and make as much money as possible because the cost of living is rising and have to prepare for retirement. I don't know if this makes sense, but it's taxing. Very very taxing.

I'm tired. Exhausted. My sanity is hanging by a spider's thread.