It's been awhile hasn't it? I write 3 posts in a month, then disappear for 3 months. I guess that's because my life's been happy and peaceful up till now. I had 3 months of quiet and uneventfulness. Some people may think it's boring. I find it wonderful. Life doesn't have to be a witch's brew of excitement and adventures for it to be fulfilling. I like the coasting. I like the soft rocking of a hammock and the bubbling of a brook to the roar of the ocean. Then again, I have always been a laid back type of gal. And I make no apologies for it. All the "polite feedback" from industrious busy bees be damned.
My peace was shattered last evening. By another tumultuous turn in The Relationship. No, it didn't end. No, it wasn't even that big a fight. No, there were no 3rd parties. The horror descended in the form of realisation that I could very well be damned. Or cursed when it came to happy relations. Either that or I have to be constantly reminded that it comes with a hefty pricetag. Or that it never lasts and I'm just kidding myself that I can sustain a peaceful relationship.
Earlier the same day, I was just thinking we're going to be fine. All is good and calm. We're very happy, warm and fuzzy, shit hit the fan right that evening and brought me thumping back to earth. We had a horrid end to the evening. I teared for a little while then nothing. Just numb. Here it goes again... I'm never meant to be happy for long am I?
Something has always got to get screwed up. And somehow it's always my fault.
Again.
Always wrong.
Always the troublemaker.
Always. Always. Always.
Again. Again. Again.
Lesson learned - never be consciously happy. Never think to yourself that you are blessed for long. Cos it bites you in the butt like a rottweiler.
6 Jul 2009
25 Mar 2009
Reminder of God's grace
I don't think I have ever posted 3x in a month before so this is a record.But the reason for this post is because I read my 20 year old cousin's post on Facebook and it moved me to tears. This a girl 11 years my junior. Heck, she's born in 1989!!! Yet she is so incredibly mature for her age and probably even more so than me at mine now. If I ever had a daughter, I would want her to be just like Nat.
Here's an excerpt from her post from 1 January 2009 and I just wanted to put it here on my blog so that I will always be reminded of it.
And thank you Nat for the reminder that God is faithful forevermore and when you surrender, everything just falls into place.
Just before 12AM today, it struck me that this is the second year I can truly say that I have absolutely no regrets for the old year, and that I look forward to the year ahead with joy, hope, and more than that - a sense of security and confidence that it will be great. It is an amazing and privileged position to be in. More than that, it is a position that is pretty impossible to achieve on my own.
Honestly, how can anyone hope to have no regrets, disappointments or fears going into the new year, unless they have lived the year perfectly? And I know I haven't. I've screwed up as much as the average person, maybe more. There are so many things I could have done better. But as I was looking back, trying to figure out what the big mistakes of 2008 were so I could do better in 2009, I could barely see them. All I could see was the overwhelming grace of God covering every aspect of my life. Turning mistakes into successes that drew me closer to Him. Leading me and walking beside me through every situation big and small (including sleeping on airport benches in Heathrow).
It's not that I don't have a list of things that should be done better in 2009, it's just that for each thing on that list, I can recall the Lord's faithfulness in 2008 - in spite of those failures. Those things don't hold me back because someone bigger, stronger and kinder than me is leading me in paths of righteousness, and there's no turning back.
I realised recently that the very best place to be is one of gratitude. Not a hurriedly belted-out thanks-for-the-turkey, or even making a long list of thanksgivings (though that might serve as an means of expression). It's being brought to a position of knowing how undeserving I am of everything I've been given. Job, grades, scholarship, family, spiritual family and leadership, CHC, good roommate, safe travel, and most importantly His presence and guidance and patience in spite of my selfishness, rebelliousness and unfaithfulness. His mercy and forgiveness through the blood and the cross.
It reaches a point of wanting to ask "WHY am I so blessed? I don't understand. I should be cast out, alone in the depths of the earth for all the crap I've done." At that point words fail and raised hands and tears and bowed knees can only begin to express the overflowing gratitude and joy of the heart. When grace is poured out, I see my smallness in the light of God's abundance and there is no other way to respond.
Crossing over into the new year, that's the place I find myself again. And with this gratitude comes boldness and a hopeful certainty, because what God did in 2007, He did again in 2008, and He'll do again in 2009 - "He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake." Faith in someone who is faithful is relying on someone reliable. It's a very sensible thing to do - that's why businesses stress their track record. "Anchor beer, brewed since 1896," etc. I imagine a similar slogan - "God, faithful since The Beginning." There's no one else I will surrender my 2009, and beyond that, my entire life to with joy and thanksgiving.
It will be an amazing year, and an amazing lifetime."
Here's an excerpt from her post from 1 January 2009 and I just wanted to put it here on my blog so that I will always be reminded of it.
And thank you Nat for the reminder that God is faithful forevermore and when you surrender, everything just falls into place.
Just before 12AM today, it struck me that this is the second year I can truly say that I have absolutely no regrets for the old year, and that I look forward to the year ahead with joy, hope, and more than that - a sense of security and confidence that it will be great. It is an amazing and privileged position to be in. More than that, it is a position that is pretty impossible to achieve on my own.
Honestly, how can anyone hope to have no regrets, disappointments or fears going into the new year, unless they have lived the year perfectly? And I know I haven't. I've screwed up as much as the average person, maybe more. There are so many things I could have done better. But as I was looking back, trying to figure out what the big mistakes of 2008 were so I could do better in 2009, I could barely see them. All I could see was the overwhelming grace of God covering every aspect of my life. Turning mistakes into successes that drew me closer to Him. Leading me and walking beside me through every situation big and small (including sleeping on airport benches in Heathrow).
It's not that I don't have a list of things that should be done better in 2009, it's just that for each thing on that list, I can recall the Lord's faithfulness in 2008 - in spite of those failures. Those things don't hold me back because someone bigger, stronger and kinder than me is leading me in paths of righteousness, and there's no turning back.
I realised recently that the very best place to be is one of gratitude. Not a hurriedly belted-out thanks-for-the-turkey, or even making a long list of thanksgivings (though that might serve as an means of expression). It's being brought to a position of knowing how undeserving I am of everything I've been given. Job, grades, scholarship, family, spiritual family and leadership, CHC, good roommate, safe travel, and most importantly His presence and guidance and patience in spite of my selfishness, rebelliousness and unfaithfulness. His mercy and forgiveness through the blood and the cross.
It reaches a point of wanting to ask "WHY am I so blessed? I don't understand. I should be cast out, alone in the depths of the earth for all the crap I've done." At that point words fail and raised hands and tears and bowed knees can only begin to express the overflowing gratitude and joy of the heart. When grace is poured out, I see my smallness in the light of God's abundance and there is no other way to respond.
Crossing over into the new year, that's the place I find myself again. And with this gratitude comes boldness and a hopeful certainty, because what God did in 2007, He did again in 2008, and He'll do again in 2009 - "He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake." Faith in someone who is faithful is relying on someone reliable. It's a very sensible thing to do - that's why businesses stress their track record. "Anchor beer, brewed since 1896," etc. I imagine a similar slogan - "God, faithful since The Beginning." There's no one else I will surrender my 2009, and beyond that, my entire life to with joy and thanksgiving.
It will be an amazing year, and an amazing lifetime."
10 Mar 2009
Alone
Ever felt lonely in a crowded room? The feeling of so many people around you chattering away and somehow, you just can't bring yourself to join in the conversations and if you do, you're just pretending to listen and smile and nod while not engaging anyone really. I get that feeling alot these days.
Working in this kind of environment is a great eye-opener about the greyness of human personalities. Some have genuine good intentions, and then when you think you prolly had that person figured out, she turns into a black Medusa. Deadly, but with a smile always. Here I see the 2 sides of the coin of a person constantly and it confused me initially. Then I gave up trying to figure them out and just let them be. But what i have learnt is to withhold information about myself. Don't give them anything to gossip about. You don't ever know when it will come to bite you in the butt.
I feel distant from people nowadays. I don't trust the ones I see daily enough to confide anything in them. Nor am I keen to do so. Their behaviours have disillusioned me and I turn away in distaste and since am not the type to patronise, they just ignore me. Till I'm useful again. So sad...
My closest girlfriends are all married with kiddies of their own and their own families to take care of; others are not interested in marriage and kids and concentrate on their careers. I am in limbo. Neither here nor there, not belonging anywhere. I want marriage and kids but my partner's not ready. I am not that interested in my career either because I've realised that people aren't really interested in its cause (neither am I in all honest truth).
It's a past time for some to keep busy cos their tai tai lifestyles are too boring. Others use it to rack up notches on their resume and grab the opportunities hobknob with the wealthy and powerful. They don't do any real work. They just show up and mingle and pretend all the hard work is theirs. I don't need recognition from the outside world but a simple thank you would be nice and very much appreciated. And when I say a simple thank you, it means just that, not after thanking me, proceed to inform me that it should have been done this way or that when they were not bothered to help from the beginning. Now THAT is what really pisses me off.
The BF says a job is just a job. That you perform a service and you get paid for your service at the end of the month and after that, you're square again. It's a very useful mindset to adopt but I'd never been one like that. His constant tutelage has paid off in some ways. I have learnt some detachment. And by seeing clearly, I've learnt to accept the ugliness of people more.
I feel alone. There. I've said it. Admitted it. I am numb and don't have the same zest anymore. There is still plenty of peace but its accompanied by sadness. What can I do to fill this void in my life?
Working in this kind of environment is a great eye-opener about the greyness of human personalities. Some have genuine good intentions, and then when you think you prolly had that person figured out, she turns into a black Medusa. Deadly, but with a smile always. Here I see the 2 sides of the coin of a person constantly and it confused me initially. Then I gave up trying to figure them out and just let them be. But what i have learnt is to withhold information about myself. Don't give them anything to gossip about. You don't ever know when it will come to bite you in the butt.
I feel distant from people nowadays. I don't trust the ones I see daily enough to confide anything in them. Nor am I keen to do so. Their behaviours have disillusioned me and I turn away in distaste and since am not the type to patronise, they just ignore me. Till I'm useful again. So sad...
My closest girlfriends are all married with kiddies of their own and their own families to take care of; others are not interested in marriage and kids and concentrate on their careers. I am in limbo. Neither here nor there, not belonging anywhere. I want marriage and kids but my partner's not ready. I am not that interested in my career either because I've realised that people aren't really interested in its cause (neither am I in all honest truth).
It's a past time for some to keep busy cos their tai tai lifestyles are too boring. Others use it to rack up notches on their resume and grab the opportunities hobknob with the wealthy and powerful. They don't do any real work. They just show up and mingle and pretend all the hard work is theirs. I don't need recognition from the outside world but a simple thank you would be nice and very much appreciated. And when I say a simple thank you, it means just that, not after thanking me, proceed to inform me that it should have been done this way or that when they were not bothered to help from the beginning. Now THAT is what really pisses me off.
The BF says a job is just a job. That you perform a service and you get paid for your service at the end of the month and after that, you're square again. It's a very useful mindset to adopt but I'd never been one like that. His constant tutelage has paid off in some ways. I have learnt some detachment. And by seeing clearly, I've learnt to accept the ugliness of people more.
I feel alone. There. I've said it. Admitted it. I am numb and don't have the same zest anymore. There is still plenty of peace but its accompanied by sadness. What can I do to fill this void in my life?
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