Ever felt lonely in a crowded room? The feeling of so many people around you chattering away and somehow, you just can't bring yourself to join in the conversations and if you do, you're just pretending to listen and smile and nod while not engaging anyone really. I get that feeling alot these days.
Working in this kind of environment is a great eye-opener about the greyness of human personalities. Some have genuine good intentions, and then when you think you prolly had that person figured out, she turns into a black Medusa. Deadly, but with a smile always. Here I see the 2 sides of the coin of a person constantly and it confused me initially. Then I gave up trying to figure them out and just let them be. But what i have learnt is to withhold information about myself. Don't give them anything to gossip about. You don't ever know when it will come to bite you in the butt.
I feel distant from people nowadays. I don't trust the ones I see daily enough to confide anything in them. Nor am I keen to do so. Their behaviours have disillusioned me and I turn away in distaste and since am not the type to patronise, they just ignore me. Till I'm useful again. So sad...
My closest girlfriends are all married with kiddies of their own and their own families to take care of; others are not interested in marriage and kids and concentrate on their careers. I am in limbo. Neither here nor there, not belonging anywhere. I want marriage and kids but my partner's not ready. I am not that interested in my career either because I've realised that people aren't really interested in its cause (neither am I in all honest truth).
It's a past time for some to keep busy cos their tai tai lifestyles are too boring. Others use it to rack up notches on their resume and grab the opportunities hobknob with the wealthy and powerful. They don't do any real work. They just show up and mingle and pretend all the hard work is theirs. I don't need recognition from the outside world but a simple thank you would be nice and very much appreciated. And when I say a simple thank you, it means just that, not after thanking me, proceed to inform me that it should have been done this way or that when they were not bothered to help from the beginning. Now THAT is what really pisses me off.
The BF says a job is just a job. That you perform a service and you get paid for your service at the end of the month and after that, you're square again. It's a very useful mindset to adopt but I'd never been one like that. His constant tutelage has paid off in some ways. I have learnt some detachment. And by seeing clearly, I've learnt to accept the ugliness of people more.
I feel alone. There. I've said it. Admitted it. I am numb and don't have the same zest anymore. There is still plenty of peace but its accompanied by sadness. What can I do to fill this void in my life?
10 Mar 2009
9 Mar 2009
All I want for my wedding is....
Thanks to an entry on Angela's blog, I was inspired to try this for myself. Unlike Ange who never gave weddings a thought, I on the other hand, have always known I wanted to be a wife and mom. Maybe deep down inside, I just want to make things right in my own future family but I also know now that there is no such thing as a "right" family. Families are all dysfucntional in some way or other. What I have come to realise is that happy couples often have happy families. Often but not all the time. It starts with the folks and once you get that right, half the battle's won.
I wonder sometimes what would happen to the BF and I if we were to tie the knot. We are so different from each other. He's the practical go-getter type that loves fast cars and fancy stuff while I'm just the head-the-clouds idealist who just wants a normal peaceful life. He likes the vibrancy and pulsating beat of city life and I like quiet places full of fresh air and peace and adventures like white water rafting, hiking, etc. I don't do that in SG but when I'm overseas in that kind of environment, I feel alive. We have different religions and come from totally different backgrounds too. His family is the traditional chinese type while my folks can be classified as kampong-bohemian.
But I think it's our differences that pull us towards each other and we find comfort in each other as well. I look to him for practical advice and to teach me the ways of the world that I'm clueless about and he, well, I can only guess that he finds my simplicity attractive.
It's coming to 2 years soon for us. Seems longer, everyone says. Even I feel that too. Since I cannot speak for him, I can only say that I am happy but have my worries about the gap in personalities and character. I am also as mule stubborn but what this relationship has taught me is that sacrifice comes with everything worth fighting for. I see in this man a good heart, struggling to reconcile desires with contentment, a person who is loyal and protective, that feels deeply but tries not to show it, a walking paradox in so many ways that is both frustrating and endearing at the same time. Perhaps that is why I love him. That he is interesting and unpredictable and never boring. And that he loves me in his funny little ways.
So. I'm just going to take a backseat and let things pan out. It's not like it's a decision that I can make on my own. It involves another human being so it's only fair for both to make it work. BUT... if I can indulge my fantasies for awhile, here's my wedding theme:
When:
April to May - the month of our anniversary and month of Easter. I definitely don't think its appropriate to have weddings during the season of Lent and Good Friday. Very bad taste.
Colour:
Either pink & green or purple & silver. Pink & Green are colours that make me very happy while Purple & Silver has a classy touch.
Where:
In church with a soloist singing Ave Maria as I walk down the aisle with my Dad. Afterwards, lunch under a white canopy in an outdoor courtyard filled with pink and green blooms. I so don't want a traditional Chinese dinner. Kind of dread it actually.
What:
4-course meal with dessert buffet and a huge chocolate fountain with mountains of strawberries dusted with icing sugar. Witty, funny emcee-host and hostess. String quartet with soloist. Toasts by my best friends.
Favours:
Pink, green and brown Chocs and Candies shaped in the "shuang xi" letters in a jar tied with pink and green polka dot ribbon.
Attire:
Vera Wang is way too expensive but I'll settle for a lookalike. Or a Monique Lhullier. Their gowns are just too gorgeous. Nothing too flouncy. I like soft, fluid designs. And it has to NOT emphasize my fat arms.
Music:
I'm not particular but not slow stuff. Happy happy joy joy works for me - will leave music choice to my sister.
Entertainment:
I actually like the photo montage thingy they show at chinese wedding dinners but prefer it to include photos or videos of friends and family who are attending. Makes it inclusive. If there could be a couple dancing the argentinien tango would be fab! I always thought it was one of the most sensual dances ever created. And of cos, a singer for all to listen to.
Honeymoon:
Spain, Italy or France would be nice. Somewhere laid back, romantic and full of little holes-in-the-wall to visit.
I wonder sometimes what would happen to the BF and I if we were to tie the knot. We are so different from each other. He's the practical go-getter type that loves fast cars and fancy stuff while I'm just the head-the-clouds idealist who just wants a normal peaceful life. He likes the vibrancy and pulsating beat of city life and I like quiet places full of fresh air and peace and adventures like white water rafting, hiking, etc. I don't do that in SG but when I'm overseas in that kind of environment, I feel alive. We have different religions and come from totally different backgrounds too. His family is the traditional chinese type while my folks can be classified as kampong-bohemian.
But I think it's our differences that pull us towards each other and we find comfort in each other as well. I look to him for practical advice and to teach me the ways of the world that I'm clueless about and he, well, I can only guess that he finds my simplicity attractive.
It's coming to 2 years soon for us. Seems longer, everyone says. Even I feel that too. Since I cannot speak for him, I can only say that I am happy but have my worries about the gap in personalities and character. I am also as mule stubborn but what this relationship has taught me is that sacrifice comes with everything worth fighting for. I see in this man a good heart, struggling to reconcile desires with contentment, a person who is loyal and protective, that feels deeply but tries not to show it, a walking paradox in so many ways that is both frustrating and endearing at the same time. Perhaps that is why I love him. That he is interesting and unpredictable and never boring. And that he loves me in his funny little ways.
So. I'm just going to take a backseat and let things pan out. It's not like it's a decision that I can make on my own. It involves another human being so it's only fair for both to make it work. BUT... if I can indulge my fantasies for awhile, here's my wedding theme:
When:
April to May - the month of our anniversary and month of Easter. I definitely don't think its appropriate to have weddings during the season of Lent and Good Friday. Very bad taste.
Colour:
Either pink & green or purple & silver. Pink & Green are colours that make me very happy while Purple & Silver has a classy touch.
Where:
In church with a soloist singing Ave Maria as I walk down the aisle with my Dad. Afterwards, lunch under a white canopy in an outdoor courtyard filled with pink and green blooms. I so don't want a traditional Chinese dinner. Kind of dread it actually.
What:
4-course meal with dessert buffet and a huge chocolate fountain with mountains of strawberries dusted with icing sugar. Witty, funny emcee-host and hostess. String quartet with soloist. Toasts by my best friends.
Favours:
Pink, green and brown Chocs and Candies shaped in the "shuang xi" letters in a jar tied with pink and green polka dot ribbon.
Attire:
Vera Wang is way too expensive but I'll settle for a lookalike. Or a Monique Lhullier. Their gowns are just too gorgeous. Nothing too flouncy. I like soft, fluid designs. And it has to NOT emphasize my fat arms.
Music:
I'm not particular but not slow stuff. Happy happy joy joy works for me - will leave music choice to my sister.
Entertainment:
I actually like the photo montage thingy they show at chinese wedding dinners but prefer it to include photos or videos of friends and family who are attending. Makes it inclusive. If there could be a couple dancing the argentinien tango would be fab! I always thought it was one of the most sensual dances ever created. And of cos, a singer for all to listen to.
Honeymoon:
Spain, Italy or France would be nice. Somewhere laid back, romantic and full of little holes-in-the-wall to visit.
17 Feb 2009
When the hormones kick in
I hate it when these things called hormones act up. I sort of picture them like millions of horrid green imps with pitchforks coursing through my body wrecking havoc everywhere.
I wonder if most women feel it as keenly as I do. My whole back feels perpetually on fire and I can't sleep lying on my back as I always do. Yes, my sleeping position is like that of a vampire... arms folded across my bolster atop me. It's not a very graceful sight. Apart from the physical body going haywire like profuse perspiration, swollen boobs and all, my fuse gets really short and everything irritates me. Worse thing is, I KNOW that it's happening. Kind of an out-of-body experience.
It gets worse as I age. Or perhaps its because I'm getting more aware of the changes to my body. Ever since I hit the big 3-O, my hips have gotten wider and the body stores fat like a squirrel stores nuts for winter. My appetite hasn't changed but the metabolism sure has and maybe that's the problem. Fat deposits everywhere. Skin has slackened and its lost its dewiness. Exfoliation has become a twice weekly affair now that the pores keep clogging up. Dark spots take an eternity to lighten, if it has to begin with. To think I'd always thought I'd age relatively well. But confronting it now, it's a really tough battle.
I see a need for change in my lifestyle. I see a need to get back into an exercise regime, to eat well and rest more. However, the urgency is somewhat suppressed by the end of each day, after confronting the stresses of adulthood issues. Solace is found in TV and junk which after consuming, just makes me feel sick. The only real peace I have is in prayer. Prayer and faith that keep me sane, keep me going knowing that this is another part of the journey.
The comforting thing is, that despite all the weird on-goings in my physicality, I now have an inner strength that I never had before. I face the world with all its daily battles in my stride, because I am not alone. I hear His whispers in the stillness of my heart and the joy I feel is beyond description. It makes life livable, even beautiful despite all the doom and gloom that we read about everyday.
Some people ask why do you bother when God lets these horrible things happen? Fires in Australia, fighting in Gaza, moral breakdown in the UK with a 13 year old fathering a child, global economic meltdown that wiped out so many people's lifesavings and drove them out of their homes? Someone said to me there is no god and we're all going to get sucked into a black hole when we die.
What have you done to make life for the people and environment around you better? I ask them. We never take responsibility for our actions, choosing to justify in such a way that it just benefits our own selfish motives. We encourage greed and the glorify the grotesque and we wonder why our world is going to the dogs? We reap what we sow. So stop whining and do something about it. Help someone, be nice to your family and friends and colleagues even when they are horrible to you, be less self centred. Volunteer for something, anything. If you're not doing anything, you have no right to sit on your arse and complain. When was the last time you gave thanks for all that you have?
God listens and speaks when you quieten yourself and block out the white noise. People who say there isn't one don't look for Him hard enough.
Why should He come to you when you don't go to Him?
I wonder if most women feel it as keenly as I do. My whole back feels perpetually on fire and I can't sleep lying on my back as I always do. Yes, my sleeping position is like that of a vampire... arms folded across my bolster atop me. It's not a very graceful sight. Apart from the physical body going haywire like profuse perspiration, swollen boobs and all, my fuse gets really short and everything irritates me. Worse thing is, I KNOW that it's happening. Kind of an out-of-body experience.
It gets worse as I age. Or perhaps its because I'm getting more aware of the changes to my body. Ever since I hit the big 3-O, my hips have gotten wider and the body stores fat like a squirrel stores nuts for winter. My appetite hasn't changed but the metabolism sure has and maybe that's the problem. Fat deposits everywhere. Skin has slackened and its lost its dewiness. Exfoliation has become a twice weekly affair now that the pores keep clogging up. Dark spots take an eternity to lighten, if it has to begin with. To think I'd always thought I'd age relatively well. But confronting it now, it's a really tough battle.
I see a need for change in my lifestyle. I see a need to get back into an exercise regime, to eat well and rest more. However, the urgency is somewhat suppressed by the end of each day, after confronting the stresses of adulthood issues. Solace is found in TV and junk which after consuming, just makes me feel sick. The only real peace I have is in prayer. Prayer and faith that keep me sane, keep me going knowing that this is another part of the journey.
The comforting thing is, that despite all the weird on-goings in my physicality, I now have an inner strength that I never had before. I face the world with all its daily battles in my stride, because I am not alone. I hear His whispers in the stillness of my heart and the joy I feel is beyond description. It makes life livable, even beautiful despite all the doom and gloom that we read about everyday.
Some people ask why do you bother when God lets these horrible things happen? Fires in Australia, fighting in Gaza, moral breakdown in the UK with a 13 year old fathering a child, global economic meltdown that wiped out so many people's lifesavings and drove them out of their homes? Someone said to me there is no god and we're all going to get sucked into a black hole when we die.
What have you done to make life for the people and environment around you better? I ask them. We never take responsibility for our actions, choosing to justify in such a way that it just benefits our own selfish motives. We encourage greed and the glorify the grotesque and we wonder why our world is going to the dogs? We reap what we sow. So stop whining and do something about it. Help someone, be nice to your family and friends and colleagues even when they are horrible to you, be less self centred. Volunteer for something, anything. If you're not doing anything, you have no right to sit on your arse and complain. When was the last time you gave thanks for all that you have?
God listens and speaks when you quieten yourself and block out the white noise. People who say there isn't one don't look for Him hard enough.
Why should He come to you when you don't go to Him?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
