Moving on, growing up

It's been almost 8 months here at this little non-profit place. This neurotic, schizo world made up of:

1. Strangers who knock at the door asking the most inane of questions
2. Intellectual radicals who like to rant
3. Complaining aunties, sometimes with good intentions
4. Pro-governement zombies who are just so..so... *roll eyes*
5. See-saw wannabes who toggle between domesticity and independence
6. Sweet, humble folk who enjoy life and understand simplicity
7. Publicity whores
8. Self-important hypocrites who pretend they actually believe in some cause when in reality, they are no. 7

It's been a real eye-opener outside the corporate landscape. In the corp world, everyone's pretty standard in a way. You can see common threads running through people , much like same-coloured strings pulled by the puppet master CEO. Everyone's preoccupied with almost similar worries about cost cutting, operates with efficiency, minds are all geared towards the same goal called the bottomline.

It's not so clearcut in here. There is a mishmash of people from all walks and hierachies of society, from your prolific socialites to the homeless, weak and vunerable, from very young to grandmothers, from pro-PAP to government critics and the idealistic to the jaded machines. My eyes have opened to the many lives of our Singaporean and expatriate ways, thoughts and hearts. Some are golden, some are grey. There is no black and white.

It's been a great ride here. Not all the time but my own weirdness have fit in better here than it had ever did in the corp landscape. I talk as if am leaving and in some ways, I am. Had a quiet session with myself the other day and like I told MA, I think I finally have some inkling of who I am and where I'm headed. And the time's right now. The slow learner is learning. Who knows how long it'll take before I bloom but this is a start. The forum helped me to complete my past, God answered me by bringing my family back together again, MA loves, shoulders and supports me in my growing up. I have every blessing I can have and it's time for me to stop hiding and get out and be out there.

Anne's back from the States and she called the other day saying Nova's hubby is on life support. He had a fall which seemed minor, and shortly after fell into a coma. Now he's in ICU on life support and even if he makes it through, he'll be brain damaged. Would've turned 45 next month. It really shook me. And I don't even know him that well. But every year, the people who die suddenly or from freak accidents creep closer into my 7 degrees of separation. I don't want to die knowing I never tried coming close to my dreams, or never got married or experienced childbirth, or had an only-civil relationship with my parents, or had superficial friendships or didn't give back in some small way. If I had only 15 years left, that's not much time.

Time to get a move on...

In need of redemption

So Lord, what would you have me do?
My life is halfway through
I haven’t accomplished very much
Instead I’ve upped Apathy a notch

Society, all going to the dogs
I’m no better, same sorry sod
Living a world of disillusionment
Where money makes for life’s fulfilment

I don’t understand the people around
Strutting abound with make-believe crowns
What they think mean something
But oh! near sighted, little bitty humdings

Buying into that slim-is-sexy theme
Scalpelling the way to self esteem
Sure, that SUV is will be your salvation
And Victoria’s chic bob your redemption

When did life become so shallow
And materialism good enough for a bedfellow
Then golden toys and trinkets stop thrilling
And an empty darkness loom, beckoning

How to end this fatal existence
With my life a farce and all pretending
But every time to kneel, to start praying
I’ll always just end up blubbering

Bored, blue Monday

I'm not usually blue on Mondays. Unlike a whole lot of other people I know, I'm actually all right with coming to work on Mondays. And this only happens here in this place. With my old jobs, I always dreaded to go into the office. In fact, I dreaded being there the whole week.

This simply tells me that non-profit organisations are better for my peace of mind. I don't know why but after the first 6 months moaning about the lack of structure, lack of IT personnel and budgets, I've come to realise that I actually prefer here than all of my other jobs combined. And all of those were in the corporate sector. I've always been a misfit there. I can look the part but honestly, the whole culture just leaves me stumped and confused and disillusioned. People seem to talk in tongues. But that's just me.

After being in an NPO for almost 8 months now, I'm bored. People offer me a whole range of reasons from it's because it's not my calling to because NPOs are slow. NPOs are relatively laid back and there's alot less politics... I mean there are no bottom lines to speak of and there are so few staff, what's there to compete? It's largely harmonious but there's no such thing as perfect harmony when there's a bunch of humans around each other. 2 already got problem. Pet peeves, annoying habits and browlifting quirks will manifest themselves in no time.

Let me introduce you to my colls.

There's one with huge boobs and I'm talking HUGE. Double Ds have nothing on this gal. I'm talking G-cups here. She can be quite all right but sometimes is a real bimbo. Is never organised and leaves the rest of us to clean up after her all the time. I lost it last week and gave her a talking to but I don't really know how much registered. And this hot-air behaviour of hers really riles up another coll who is a real smart chick but suffers from the negavitity-cum-complainer syndrome. She has a heart of gold and very quick witted but is always so negative about life. And people. I get along with her the most because she seems the most genuine. And auntie like me. Then I have another coll who the blurrest of us all. And sometimes, I think it's put on so she can get away with alot of other stuff. She suffers from verbal diarrheoa from time to time saying out loud things we only say in our head. She told an ex-coll straight to her face, "You're the kind of person who only talks but no action lah." in her sweet, gentle motherly voice, with a straight face and has no ill intent behind it at all. We have an intern currently. An econs undergrad cum modern dancer who's the most indecisive 21 year old I've come across. Can be so aggro at times. Gen Y lah, I tell myself. And our boss is a highly intelligent liberal with mood swings and a sweet tooth who jumps at everything and thinks we have ESP and can read her mind.

So this is my life now. For 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. But overall, they are nice people, nicer and more genuine than the types I used to meet at the bank. I'd rather someone had verbal diarrheoa all the time and spoke their mind than leave me guessing when I'll get stabbed in the back. It's like a little family here and I am rather contented. Except for the job scope.

It's not difficult but it takes me out of my comfort zone. Like PR and event management which are both not my forte. Then again, I don't know what my forte is. But making small talk to random strangers and sales pitches and organising events are not easy peasy for me. Never has been. Perhaps never will. Maybe it'll come in handy for my next move in life. But at the same time, I am administrator, website content manager, copywriter, graphic designer, salesperson, event person, IT person, receptionist, customer service rep. Basically PKL lah.

Am seriously contemplating the next move already. I am fairly sure I received my sign (I think) from above but I have no idea why I am so scared. Time to prayer harder. But I know my prayers are always heard. And answered. In His own time of course.