My blog is not a nice read for anyone who reads it.. if they are any. I don't have nice inspirational stuff, I have no photos, no music, no videos, nothing that would remotely entice anyone to read it.
It's a place pretty much like me. Nondescript. I've tried my whole early and teen years trying to disappear into the background and fit in but it didn't work. Now that I'm in my 30s, guess I don't care anymore if I fit in or not. Since hitting the 3-0, my attitude towards many things have changed. These days, I don't give a flying f**k about what anyone thinks of me, except for those closest to me of course. Those people who don't matter, well, f**k them. And there are alot of them. Who "share" their "concerns" and "well-meaning opinions" even when not asked. No, no one rained on my parade recently but this is just the result of a massive accumulation of crap that needs to be expressed and exorcised.
I want to rest. Watch mindless Taiwanese dramas. Eat popcorn. Go on a holiday by myself. Really really laugh my guts out. Get my skin IPL-ed and eyes lasered. Throw in my resignation letter. Paint my room. Sell all my clothes and shoes and bags.
I don't want to think about another job. I don't want to look for a diamond ring. I don't want to think about marriage. I don't want to look at insurance policies. I don't want to function for awhile.
I just want to live.
6 Apr 2010
17 Dec 2009
Waxing lyrical
I've been really moody for the past couple of months now and recent situations and emotional (or perhaps hormonal) imbalances have tipped the scale so that I am officially a tempermental minefield. I swing between raging with boiling frustration and holding on to a veritable hope that there is light for me at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I really am bipolar afterall. My sis has been egging on the intake of Evening Primrose Oil and Omega-3 to help with the situation.
No, things are not bad for me. They haven't been bad for awhile. Ever since I've awakened the spirit of gratitude, I have been a much happier person, a more content and peaceful one too. But lately, it's not working. Giving thanks for everything good and bad in my life is not working as well as it used to.
I now know what an impotent guy feels like. According to Dictionary.com, IMPOTENT is
/ˈɪmpətənt/[im-puh-tuhnt]– adjective
1. not potent; lacking power or ability.
2. utterly unable (to do something).
3. without force or effectiveness.
4. lacking bodily strength or physically helpless.
5. (of a male) unable to attain or sustain a penile erection.
6. (esp. of a male) sterile.
7. Obsolete. without restraint.
Save for the inability to attain or sustain a penile erection, I am all of the above.
Sterile.
My life is utterly sterile.
I have lost passion and fervour and have no recollection of ever being utterly consumed by something. But I'm healthy and secure and I have a job and my family and people who love me. So what else do I want? Am I being ungrateful? No. I am very grateful. Perhaps Maslow was right. The more needs that are met, an innate need to achieve self-actualisation arises.
I have pretty good ideas of what will fulfill me but lack the guts to do it. Almost all my life I have played on the safe side. I've been afraid to take risks, always persuaded that security is best and more important than anything else. But playing on this side never fulfilled me much. Instead I stare over the fence looking and envying at those pursuing their dreams and wish I had the same kind of guts to do so. Fear has held me back from so much especially the fear of poverty and failure. The irony is that playing on the safe side did not make me rich nor successful either. Then again, I've never placed much of a premium on wealth and material success to pursue it with dogged determination.
Dare I rock the boat now?
No, things are not bad for me. They haven't been bad for awhile. Ever since I've awakened the spirit of gratitude, I have been a much happier person, a more content and peaceful one too. But lately, it's not working. Giving thanks for everything good and bad in my life is not working as well as it used to.
I now know what an impotent guy feels like. According to Dictionary.com, IMPOTENT is
/ˈɪmpətənt/[im-puh-tuhnt]– adjective
1. not potent; lacking power or ability.
2. utterly unable (to do something).
3. without force or effectiveness.
4. lacking bodily strength or physically helpless.
5. (of a male) unable to attain or sustain a penile erection.
6. (esp. of a male) sterile.
7. Obsolete. without restraint.
Save for the inability to attain or sustain a penile erection, I am all of the above.
Sterile.
My life is utterly sterile.
I have lost passion and fervour and have no recollection of ever being utterly consumed by something. But I'm healthy and secure and I have a job and my family and people who love me. So what else do I want? Am I being ungrateful? No. I am very grateful. Perhaps Maslow was right. The more needs that are met, an innate need to achieve self-actualisation arises.
I have pretty good ideas of what will fulfill me but lack the guts to do it. Almost all my life I have played on the safe side. I've been afraid to take risks, always persuaded that security is best and more important than anything else. But playing on this side never fulfilled me much. Instead I stare over the fence looking and envying at those pursuing their dreams and wish I had the same kind of guts to do so. Fear has held me back from so much especially the fear of poverty and failure. The irony is that playing on the safe side did not make me rich nor successful either. Then again, I've never placed much of a premium on wealth and material success to pursue it with dogged determination.
Dare I rock the boat now?
28 Jul 2009
Tired (wo)man....
I'm exhausted.
I'm so glad the event's over but I've never been so tired to do a relatively simple forum. I was tired before I embarked on it and even more so during. And now that it's over, and despite my 10.30pm lights out policy these days, the lingering effects of fatigue are not fading away. I.AM.GETTING.OLD.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When did this ageing process creep up on me without me knowing???
Sad but true. My skin's in such terrible condition that even a 80-minute SKll facial could only do so much. The facialist recommended me to intensively treat the problem with 2 masks per week for a month for it to stabilise. Wah Lao... a pack of 6 masks ($98 - $115) will last me only 3 weeks. So smart little me has decided to alternate between a regular Watsons hydrating and whitening mask ($7.95 for pack of 6) and the SKll one so that that SKll pack will last me 6 weeks instead. And so far, after 2 weeks, it's working. Skin's more hydrated, pigmentation less prominent (I have some terrible scars lately from all the breakouts) and makeup glides on alot better than before. Even the colls said my complexion looks brighter.
Moral of the story - Use masks regularly. I'm a total convert. Even the cheap ones are ok. I just don't buy those made in China. Scared lah. The Watsons ones I use is made in Korea. Green box one - nothing fancy but does its job. And I have what they call complicated skin. Very thin and sensitive. Plus dehydrated on top and oily below. This was the conclusion using the SKll skin analyser thingamajig.
I get so envious looking at my sister's skin which can use almost anything drugstore and reaps results, or at The Bf's seemingly poreless complexion which he does not use anything except Eversoft facewash. Some people are born with good skin. Sigh...
I wonder if I should go back to Kin Mun Clinic for a light and peel soon.
I'm so glad the event's over but I've never been so tired to do a relatively simple forum. I was tired before I embarked on it and even more so during. And now that it's over, and despite my 10.30pm lights out policy these days, the lingering effects of fatigue are not fading away. I.AM.GETTING.OLD.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When did this ageing process creep up on me without me knowing???
Sad but true. My skin's in such terrible condition that even a 80-minute SKll facial could only do so much. The facialist recommended me to intensively treat the problem with 2 masks per week for a month for it to stabilise. Wah Lao... a pack of 6 masks ($98 - $115) will last me only 3 weeks. So smart little me has decided to alternate between a regular Watsons hydrating and whitening mask ($7.95 for pack of 6) and the SKll one so that that SKll pack will last me 6 weeks instead. And so far, after 2 weeks, it's working. Skin's more hydrated, pigmentation less prominent (I have some terrible scars lately from all the breakouts) and makeup glides on alot better than before. Even the colls said my complexion looks brighter.
Moral of the story - Use masks regularly. I'm a total convert. Even the cheap ones are ok. I just don't buy those made in China. Scared lah. The Watsons ones I use is made in Korea. Green box one - nothing fancy but does its job. And I have what they call complicated skin. Very thin and sensitive. Plus dehydrated on top and oily below. This was the conclusion using the SKll skin analyser thingamajig.
I get so envious looking at my sister's skin which can use almost anything drugstore and reaps results, or at The Bf's seemingly poreless complexion which he does not use anything except Eversoft facewash. Some people are born with good skin. Sigh...
I wonder if I should go back to Kin Mun Clinic for a light and peel soon.
6 Jul 2009
Am I cursed or something?
It's been awhile hasn't it? I write 3 posts in a month, then disappear for 3 months. I guess that's because my life's been happy and peaceful up till now. I had 3 months of quiet and uneventfulness. Some people may think it's boring. I find it wonderful. Life doesn't have to be a witch's brew of excitement and adventures for it to be fulfilling. I like the coasting. I like the soft rocking of a hammock and the bubbling of a brook to the roar of the ocean. Then again, I have always been a laid back type of gal. And I make no apologies for it. All the "polite feedback" from industrious busy bees be damned.
My peace was shattered last evening. By another tumultuous turn in The Relationship. No, it didn't end. No, it wasn't even that big a fight. No, there were no 3rd parties. The horror descended in the form of realisation that I could very well be damned. Or cursed when it came to happy relations. Either that or I have to be constantly reminded that it comes with a hefty pricetag. Or that it never lasts and I'm just kidding myself that I can sustain a peaceful relationship.
Earlier the same day, I was just thinking we're going to be fine. All is good and calm. We're very happy, warm and fuzzy, shit hit the fan right that evening and brought me thumping back to earth. We had a horrid end to the evening. I teared for a little while then nothing. Just numb. Here it goes again... I'm never meant to be happy for long am I?
Something has always got to get screwed up. And somehow it's always my fault.
Again.
Always wrong.
Always the troublemaker.
Always. Always. Always.
Again. Again. Again.
Lesson learned - never be consciously happy. Never think to yourself that you are blessed for long. Cos it bites you in the butt like a rottweiler.
My peace was shattered last evening. By another tumultuous turn in The Relationship. No, it didn't end. No, it wasn't even that big a fight. No, there were no 3rd parties. The horror descended in the form of realisation that I could very well be damned. Or cursed when it came to happy relations. Either that or I have to be constantly reminded that it comes with a hefty pricetag. Or that it never lasts and I'm just kidding myself that I can sustain a peaceful relationship.
Earlier the same day, I was just thinking we're going to be fine. All is good and calm. We're very happy, warm and fuzzy, shit hit the fan right that evening and brought me thumping back to earth. We had a horrid end to the evening. I teared for a little while then nothing. Just numb. Here it goes again... I'm never meant to be happy for long am I?
Something has always got to get screwed up. And somehow it's always my fault.
Again.
Always wrong.
Always the troublemaker.
Always. Always. Always.
Again. Again. Again.
Lesson learned - never be consciously happy. Never think to yourself that you are blessed for long. Cos it bites you in the butt like a rottweiler.
25 Mar 2009
Reminder of God's grace
I don't think I have ever posted 3x in a month before so this is a record.But the reason for this post is because I read my 20 year old cousin's post on Facebook and it moved me to tears. This a girl 11 years my junior. Heck, she's born in 1989!!! Yet she is so incredibly mature for her age and probably even more so than me at mine now. If I ever had a daughter, I would want her to be just like Nat.
Here's an excerpt from her post from 1 January 2009 and I just wanted to put it here on my blog so that I will always be reminded of it.
And thank you Nat for the reminder that God is faithful forevermore and when you surrender, everything just falls into place.
Just before 12AM today, it struck me that this is the second year I can truly say that I have absolutely no regrets for the old year, and that I look forward to the year ahead with joy, hope, and more than that - a sense of security and confidence that it will be great. It is an amazing and privileged position to be in. More than that, it is a position that is pretty impossible to achieve on my own.
Honestly, how can anyone hope to have no regrets, disappointments or fears going into the new year, unless they have lived the year perfectly? And I know I haven't. I've screwed up as much as the average person, maybe more. There are so many things I could have done better. But as I was looking back, trying to figure out what the big mistakes of 2008 were so I could do better in 2009, I could barely see them. All I could see was the overwhelming grace of God covering every aspect of my life. Turning mistakes into successes that drew me closer to Him. Leading me and walking beside me through every situation big and small (including sleeping on airport benches in Heathrow).
It's not that I don't have a list of things that should be done better in 2009, it's just that for each thing on that list, I can recall the Lord's faithfulness in 2008 - in spite of those failures. Those things don't hold me back because someone bigger, stronger and kinder than me is leading me in paths of righteousness, and there's no turning back.
I realised recently that the very best place to be is one of gratitude. Not a hurriedly belted-out thanks-for-the-turkey, or even making a long list of thanksgivings (though that might serve as an means of expression). It's being brought to a position of knowing how undeserving I am of everything I've been given. Job, grades, scholarship, family, spiritual family and leadership, CHC, good roommate, safe travel, and most importantly His presence and guidance and patience in spite of my selfishness, rebelliousness and unfaithfulness. His mercy and forgiveness through the blood and the cross.
It reaches a point of wanting to ask "WHY am I so blessed? I don't understand. I should be cast out, alone in the depths of the earth for all the crap I've done." At that point words fail and raised hands and tears and bowed knees can only begin to express the overflowing gratitude and joy of the heart. When grace is poured out, I see my smallness in the light of God's abundance and there is no other way to respond.
Crossing over into the new year, that's the place I find myself again. And with this gratitude comes boldness and a hopeful certainty, because what God did in 2007, He did again in 2008, and He'll do again in 2009 - "He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake." Faith in someone who is faithful is relying on someone reliable. It's a very sensible thing to do - that's why businesses stress their track record. "Anchor beer, brewed since 1896," etc. I imagine a similar slogan - "God, faithful since The Beginning." There's no one else I will surrender my 2009, and beyond that, my entire life to with joy and thanksgiving.
It will be an amazing year, and an amazing lifetime."
Here's an excerpt from her post from 1 January 2009 and I just wanted to put it here on my blog so that I will always be reminded of it.
And thank you Nat for the reminder that God is faithful forevermore and when you surrender, everything just falls into place.
Just before 12AM today, it struck me that this is the second year I can truly say that I have absolutely no regrets for the old year, and that I look forward to the year ahead with joy, hope, and more than that - a sense of security and confidence that it will be great. It is an amazing and privileged position to be in. More than that, it is a position that is pretty impossible to achieve on my own.
Honestly, how can anyone hope to have no regrets, disappointments or fears going into the new year, unless they have lived the year perfectly? And I know I haven't. I've screwed up as much as the average person, maybe more. There are so many things I could have done better. But as I was looking back, trying to figure out what the big mistakes of 2008 were so I could do better in 2009, I could barely see them. All I could see was the overwhelming grace of God covering every aspect of my life. Turning mistakes into successes that drew me closer to Him. Leading me and walking beside me through every situation big and small (including sleeping on airport benches in Heathrow).
It's not that I don't have a list of things that should be done better in 2009, it's just that for each thing on that list, I can recall the Lord's faithfulness in 2008 - in spite of those failures. Those things don't hold me back because someone bigger, stronger and kinder than me is leading me in paths of righteousness, and there's no turning back.
I realised recently that the very best place to be is one of gratitude. Not a hurriedly belted-out thanks-for-the-turkey, or even making a long list of thanksgivings (though that might serve as an means of expression). It's being brought to a position of knowing how undeserving I am of everything I've been given. Job, grades, scholarship, family, spiritual family and leadership, CHC, good roommate, safe travel, and most importantly His presence and guidance and patience in spite of my selfishness, rebelliousness and unfaithfulness. His mercy and forgiveness through the blood and the cross.
It reaches a point of wanting to ask "WHY am I so blessed? I don't understand. I should be cast out, alone in the depths of the earth for all the crap I've done." At that point words fail and raised hands and tears and bowed knees can only begin to express the overflowing gratitude and joy of the heart. When grace is poured out, I see my smallness in the light of God's abundance and there is no other way to respond.
Crossing over into the new year, that's the place I find myself again. And with this gratitude comes boldness and a hopeful certainty, because what God did in 2007, He did again in 2008, and He'll do again in 2009 - "He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake." Faith in someone who is faithful is relying on someone reliable. It's a very sensible thing to do - that's why businesses stress their track record. "Anchor beer, brewed since 1896," etc. I imagine a similar slogan - "God, faithful since The Beginning." There's no one else I will surrender my 2009, and beyond that, my entire life to with joy and thanksgiving.
It will be an amazing year, and an amazing lifetime."
10 Mar 2009
Alone
Ever felt lonely in a crowded room? The feeling of so many people around you chattering away and somehow, you just can't bring yourself to join in the conversations and if you do, you're just pretending to listen and smile and nod while not engaging anyone really. I get that feeling alot these days.
Working in this kind of environment is a great eye-opener about the greyness of human personalities. Some have genuine good intentions, and then when you think you prolly had that person figured out, she turns into a black Medusa. Deadly, but with a smile always. Here I see the 2 sides of the coin of a person constantly and it confused me initially. Then I gave up trying to figure them out and just let them be. But what i have learnt is to withhold information about myself. Don't give them anything to gossip about. You don't ever know when it will come to bite you in the butt.
I feel distant from people nowadays. I don't trust the ones I see daily enough to confide anything in them. Nor am I keen to do so. Their behaviours have disillusioned me and I turn away in distaste and since am not the type to patronise, they just ignore me. Till I'm useful again. So sad...
My closest girlfriends are all married with kiddies of their own and their own families to take care of; others are not interested in marriage and kids and concentrate on their careers. I am in limbo. Neither here nor there, not belonging anywhere. I want marriage and kids but my partner's not ready. I am not that interested in my career either because I've realised that people aren't really interested in its cause (neither am I in all honest truth).
It's a past time for some to keep busy cos their tai tai lifestyles are too boring. Others use it to rack up notches on their resume and grab the opportunities hobknob with the wealthy and powerful. They don't do any real work. They just show up and mingle and pretend all the hard work is theirs. I don't need recognition from the outside world but a simple thank you would be nice and very much appreciated. And when I say a simple thank you, it means just that, not after thanking me, proceed to inform me that it should have been done this way or that when they were not bothered to help from the beginning. Now THAT is what really pisses me off.
The BF says a job is just a job. That you perform a service and you get paid for your service at the end of the month and after that, you're square again. It's a very useful mindset to adopt but I'd never been one like that. His constant tutelage has paid off in some ways. I have learnt some detachment. And by seeing clearly, I've learnt to accept the ugliness of people more.
I feel alone. There. I've said it. Admitted it. I am numb and don't have the same zest anymore. There is still plenty of peace but its accompanied by sadness. What can I do to fill this void in my life?
Working in this kind of environment is a great eye-opener about the greyness of human personalities. Some have genuine good intentions, and then when you think you prolly had that person figured out, she turns into a black Medusa. Deadly, but with a smile always. Here I see the 2 sides of the coin of a person constantly and it confused me initially. Then I gave up trying to figure them out and just let them be. But what i have learnt is to withhold information about myself. Don't give them anything to gossip about. You don't ever know when it will come to bite you in the butt.
I feel distant from people nowadays. I don't trust the ones I see daily enough to confide anything in them. Nor am I keen to do so. Their behaviours have disillusioned me and I turn away in distaste and since am not the type to patronise, they just ignore me. Till I'm useful again. So sad...
My closest girlfriends are all married with kiddies of their own and their own families to take care of; others are not interested in marriage and kids and concentrate on their careers. I am in limbo. Neither here nor there, not belonging anywhere. I want marriage and kids but my partner's not ready. I am not that interested in my career either because I've realised that people aren't really interested in its cause (neither am I in all honest truth).
It's a past time for some to keep busy cos their tai tai lifestyles are too boring. Others use it to rack up notches on their resume and grab the opportunities hobknob with the wealthy and powerful. They don't do any real work. They just show up and mingle and pretend all the hard work is theirs. I don't need recognition from the outside world but a simple thank you would be nice and very much appreciated. And when I say a simple thank you, it means just that, not after thanking me, proceed to inform me that it should have been done this way or that when they were not bothered to help from the beginning. Now THAT is what really pisses me off.
The BF says a job is just a job. That you perform a service and you get paid for your service at the end of the month and after that, you're square again. It's a very useful mindset to adopt but I'd never been one like that. His constant tutelage has paid off in some ways. I have learnt some detachment. And by seeing clearly, I've learnt to accept the ugliness of people more.
I feel alone. There. I've said it. Admitted it. I am numb and don't have the same zest anymore. There is still plenty of peace but its accompanied by sadness. What can I do to fill this void in my life?
9 Mar 2009
All I want for my wedding is....
Thanks to an entry on Angela's blog, I was inspired to try this for myself. Unlike Ange who never gave weddings a thought, I on the other hand, have always known I wanted to be a wife and mom. Maybe deep down inside, I just want to make things right in my own future family but I also know now that there is no such thing as a "right" family. Families are all dysfucntional in some way or other. What I have come to realise is that happy couples often have happy families. Often but not all the time. It starts with the folks and once you get that right, half the battle's won.
I wonder sometimes what would happen to the BF and I if we were to tie the knot. We are so different from each other. He's the practical go-getter type that loves fast cars and fancy stuff while I'm just the head-the-clouds idealist who just wants a normal peaceful life. He likes the vibrancy and pulsating beat of city life and I like quiet places full of fresh air and peace and adventures like white water rafting, hiking, etc. I don't do that in SG but when I'm overseas in that kind of environment, I feel alive. We have different religions and come from totally different backgrounds too. His family is the traditional chinese type while my folks can be classified as kampong-bohemian.
But I think it's our differences that pull us towards each other and we find comfort in each other as well. I look to him for practical advice and to teach me the ways of the world that I'm clueless about and he, well, I can only guess that he finds my simplicity attractive.
It's coming to 2 years soon for us. Seems longer, everyone says. Even I feel that too. Since I cannot speak for him, I can only say that I am happy but have my worries about the gap in personalities and character. I am also as mule stubborn but what this relationship has taught me is that sacrifice comes with everything worth fighting for. I see in this man a good heart, struggling to reconcile desires with contentment, a person who is loyal and protective, that feels deeply but tries not to show it, a walking paradox in so many ways that is both frustrating and endearing at the same time. Perhaps that is why I love him. That he is interesting and unpredictable and never boring. And that he loves me in his funny little ways.
So. I'm just going to take a backseat and let things pan out. It's not like it's a decision that I can make on my own. It involves another human being so it's only fair for both to make it work. BUT... if I can indulge my fantasies for awhile, here's my wedding theme:
When:
April to May - the month of our anniversary and month of Easter. I definitely don't think its appropriate to have weddings during the season of Lent and Good Friday. Very bad taste.
Colour:
Either pink & green or purple & silver. Pink & Green are colours that make me very happy while Purple & Silver has a classy touch.
Where:
In church with a soloist singing Ave Maria as I walk down the aisle with my Dad. Afterwards, lunch under a white canopy in an outdoor courtyard filled with pink and green blooms. I so don't want a traditional Chinese dinner. Kind of dread it actually.
What:
4-course meal with dessert buffet and a huge chocolate fountain with mountains of strawberries dusted with icing sugar. Witty, funny emcee-host and hostess. String quartet with soloist. Toasts by my best friends.
Favours:
Pink, green and brown Chocs and Candies shaped in the "shuang xi" letters in a jar tied with pink and green polka dot ribbon.
Attire:
Vera Wang is way too expensive but I'll settle for a lookalike. Or a Monique Lhullier. Their gowns are just too gorgeous. Nothing too flouncy. I like soft, fluid designs. And it has to NOT emphasize my fat arms.
Music:
I'm not particular but not slow stuff. Happy happy joy joy works for me - will leave music choice to my sister.
Entertainment:
I actually like the photo montage thingy they show at chinese wedding dinners but prefer it to include photos or videos of friends and family who are attending. Makes it inclusive. If there could be a couple dancing the argentinien tango would be fab! I always thought it was one of the most sensual dances ever created. And of cos, a singer for all to listen to.
Honeymoon:
Spain, Italy or France would be nice. Somewhere laid back, romantic and full of little holes-in-the-wall to visit.
I wonder sometimes what would happen to the BF and I if we were to tie the knot. We are so different from each other. He's the practical go-getter type that loves fast cars and fancy stuff while I'm just the head-the-clouds idealist who just wants a normal peaceful life. He likes the vibrancy and pulsating beat of city life and I like quiet places full of fresh air and peace and adventures like white water rafting, hiking, etc. I don't do that in SG but when I'm overseas in that kind of environment, I feel alive. We have different religions and come from totally different backgrounds too. His family is the traditional chinese type while my folks can be classified as kampong-bohemian.
But I think it's our differences that pull us towards each other and we find comfort in each other as well. I look to him for practical advice and to teach me the ways of the world that I'm clueless about and he, well, I can only guess that he finds my simplicity attractive.
It's coming to 2 years soon for us. Seems longer, everyone says. Even I feel that too. Since I cannot speak for him, I can only say that I am happy but have my worries about the gap in personalities and character. I am also as mule stubborn but what this relationship has taught me is that sacrifice comes with everything worth fighting for. I see in this man a good heart, struggling to reconcile desires with contentment, a person who is loyal and protective, that feels deeply but tries not to show it, a walking paradox in so many ways that is both frustrating and endearing at the same time. Perhaps that is why I love him. That he is interesting and unpredictable and never boring. And that he loves me in his funny little ways.
So. I'm just going to take a backseat and let things pan out. It's not like it's a decision that I can make on my own. It involves another human being so it's only fair for both to make it work. BUT... if I can indulge my fantasies for awhile, here's my wedding theme:
When:
April to May - the month of our anniversary and month of Easter. I definitely don't think its appropriate to have weddings during the season of Lent and Good Friday. Very bad taste.
Colour:
Either pink & green or purple & silver. Pink & Green are colours that make me very happy while Purple & Silver has a classy touch.
Where:
In church with a soloist singing Ave Maria as I walk down the aisle with my Dad. Afterwards, lunch under a white canopy in an outdoor courtyard filled with pink and green blooms. I so don't want a traditional Chinese dinner. Kind of dread it actually.
What:
4-course meal with dessert buffet and a huge chocolate fountain with mountains of strawberries dusted with icing sugar. Witty, funny emcee-host and hostess. String quartet with soloist. Toasts by my best friends.
Favours:
Pink, green and brown Chocs and Candies shaped in the "shuang xi" letters in a jar tied with pink and green polka dot ribbon.
Attire:
Vera Wang is way too expensive but I'll settle for a lookalike. Or a Monique Lhullier. Their gowns are just too gorgeous. Nothing too flouncy. I like soft, fluid designs. And it has to NOT emphasize my fat arms.
Music:
I'm not particular but not slow stuff. Happy happy joy joy works for me - will leave music choice to my sister.
Entertainment:
I actually like the photo montage thingy they show at chinese wedding dinners but prefer it to include photos or videos of friends and family who are attending. Makes it inclusive. If there could be a couple dancing the argentinien tango would be fab! I always thought it was one of the most sensual dances ever created. And of cos, a singer for all to listen to.
Honeymoon:
Spain, Italy or France would be nice. Somewhere laid back, romantic and full of little holes-in-the-wall to visit.
17 Feb 2009
When the hormones kick in
I hate it when these things called hormones act up. I sort of picture them like millions of horrid green imps with pitchforks coursing through my body wrecking havoc everywhere.
I wonder if most women feel it as keenly as I do. My whole back feels perpetually on fire and I can't sleep lying on my back as I always do. Yes, my sleeping position is like that of a vampire... arms folded across my bolster atop me. It's not a very graceful sight. Apart from the physical body going haywire like profuse perspiration, swollen boobs and all, my fuse gets really short and everything irritates me. Worse thing is, I KNOW that it's happening. Kind of an out-of-body experience.
It gets worse as I age. Or perhaps its because I'm getting more aware of the changes to my body. Ever since I hit the big 3-O, my hips have gotten wider and the body stores fat like a squirrel stores nuts for winter. My appetite hasn't changed but the metabolism sure has and maybe that's the problem. Fat deposits everywhere. Skin has slackened and its lost its dewiness. Exfoliation has become a twice weekly affair now that the pores keep clogging up. Dark spots take an eternity to lighten, if it has to begin with. To think I'd always thought I'd age relatively well. But confronting it now, it's a really tough battle.
I see a need for change in my lifestyle. I see a need to get back into an exercise regime, to eat well and rest more. However, the urgency is somewhat suppressed by the end of each day, after confronting the stresses of adulthood issues. Solace is found in TV and junk which after consuming, just makes me feel sick. The only real peace I have is in prayer. Prayer and faith that keep me sane, keep me going knowing that this is another part of the journey.
The comforting thing is, that despite all the weird on-goings in my physicality, I now have an inner strength that I never had before. I face the world with all its daily battles in my stride, because I am not alone. I hear His whispers in the stillness of my heart and the joy I feel is beyond description. It makes life livable, even beautiful despite all the doom and gloom that we read about everyday.
Some people ask why do you bother when God lets these horrible things happen? Fires in Australia, fighting in Gaza, moral breakdown in the UK with a 13 year old fathering a child, global economic meltdown that wiped out so many people's lifesavings and drove them out of their homes? Someone said to me there is no god and we're all going to get sucked into a black hole when we die.
What have you done to make life for the people and environment around you better? I ask them. We never take responsibility for our actions, choosing to justify in such a way that it just benefits our own selfish motives. We encourage greed and the glorify the grotesque and we wonder why our world is going to the dogs? We reap what we sow. So stop whining and do something about it. Help someone, be nice to your family and friends and colleagues even when they are horrible to you, be less self centred. Volunteer for something, anything. If you're not doing anything, you have no right to sit on your arse and complain. When was the last time you gave thanks for all that you have?
God listens and speaks when you quieten yourself and block out the white noise. People who say there isn't one don't look for Him hard enough.
Why should He come to you when you don't go to Him?
I wonder if most women feel it as keenly as I do. My whole back feels perpetually on fire and I can't sleep lying on my back as I always do. Yes, my sleeping position is like that of a vampire... arms folded across my bolster atop me. It's not a very graceful sight. Apart from the physical body going haywire like profuse perspiration, swollen boobs and all, my fuse gets really short and everything irritates me. Worse thing is, I KNOW that it's happening. Kind of an out-of-body experience.
It gets worse as I age. Or perhaps its because I'm getting more aware of the changes to my body. Ever since I hit the big 3-O, my hips have gotten wider and the body stores fat like a squirrel stores nuts for winter. My appetite hasn't changed but the metabolism sure has and maybe that's the problem. Fat deposits everywhere. Skin has slackened and its lost its dewiness. Exfoliation has become a twice weekly affair now that the pores keep clogging up. Dark spots take an eternity to lighten, if it has to begin with. To think I'd always thought I'd age relatively well. But confronting it now, it's a really tough battle.
I see a need for change in my lifestyle. I see a need to get back into an exercise regime, to eat well and rest more. However, the urgency is somewhat suppressed by the end of each day, after confronting the stresses of adulthood issues. Solace is found in TV and junk which after consuming, just makes me feel sick. The only real peace I have is in prayer. Prayer and faith that keep me sane, keep me going knowing that this is another part of the journey.
The comforting thing is, that despite all the weird on-goings in my physicality, I now have an inner strength that I never had before. I face the world with all its daily battles in my stride, because I am not alone. I hear His whispers in the stillness of my heart and the joy I feel is beyond description. It makes life livable, even beautiful despite all the doom and gloom that we read about everyday.
Some people ask why do you bother when God lets these horrible things happen? Fires in Australia, fighting in Gaza, moral breakdown in the UK with a 13 year old fathering a child, global economic meltdown that wiped out so many people's lifesavings and drove them out of their homes? Someone said to me there is no god and we're all going to get sucked into a black hole when we die.
What have you done to make life for the people and environment around you better? I ask them. We never take responsibility for our actions, choosing to justify in such a way that it just benefits our own selfish motives. We encourage greed and the glorify the grotesque and we wonder why our world is going to the dogs? We reap what we sow. So stop whining and do something about it. Help someone, be nice to your family and friends and colleagues even when they are horrible to you, be less self centred. Volunteer for something, anything. If you're not doing anything, you have no right to sit on your arse and complain. When was the last time you gave thanks for all that you have?
God listens and speaks when you quieten yourself and block out the white noise. People who say there isn't one don't look for Him hard enough.
Why should He come to you when you don't go to Him?
3 Dec 2008
Show me the bed
We came back from Beijing last week and since then, I have been exhausted. The trip was quite all right except for the spitterbugs from chinese hell. They spit everywhere and the BF and i spent alot of time staring at the grounds to avoid stepping on them and in the process, missed out on appreciating China better. And did i mention it was freezing! Am not used to the cold and i don't like it one itty itty bit. The BF revels in it though cos he's the Human Heater and feels no cold. Spent all the time there in 4 layers. Not fun.
9 Oct 2008
Publicity, thy name is my woe
Have been planning an event for this coming November, and am right now, panicking that may not be enough people to attend it. I have a pretty great list of speakers lined up and all are rather prolific in their circles but the price tag is rather hefty although nothing close to what the schools and other event companies are charging. They go by thousands, mine is a mere $280 and people are complaining of it being expensive.
Given the recent financial crisis and impending economic forecasts of doom, everyone's tightening their belts and companies are cutting training budgets so this is a really bad time for us to do this event. Am praying so hard that things will turn out all right and that we will have at least 200 pax. I think that should be sufficient to cover the costs.
With all the worry about insurance giant AIG being rescued by the Feds, I surrendered 2 policies (am so fuming mad at AIA now, irrationally or otherwise) yesterday during lunch hour and in the process, lost close to $6,000 OF.MY.HARDEARNED.MONEY. If I can react this way to losing $6k, I can't imagine how it must be for the countless of others who lost their homes, life savings and probably jobs soon. With the cost of food rising, natural disasters and all, think the only ones who will be making money during this period are doctors and funeral homes. Sounds dire? But it makes sense. Can you imagine how many people had heart attacks and a rise in blood pressure on Black Monday? And after the Senate refused to pass the bailout plan initially? I've been reading the papers that more and more suicides are happening because of the loss of jobs, mortgages, retirement funds, etc. It's beyond bleak.
And has it trickled down to our tiny island? I think so. People aren't spending, companies are cutting budgets and those employed by financial institutions and banks are pretty much in a limbo state of uncertainty. Asia had our 1997 crisis and weathered through it and so will the US. What goes down must eventually come up. In other less despairing news, "In a speech yesterday in Milwaukee, President Bush vowed to do whatever it takes to keep the economy strong. In fact he said that if he needs to, he will take vacation for another three months." —Jay Leno (courtesy of www.politicalhumor.about.com)
I think I pay more attention to American, Malaysian, Indonesian or even Thai politics than my own Singaporean politics. They're just more interesting and the things that come out of Sarah Palin's mouth sometimes just leaves me flabbergasted that the McCain would pick such an uncouth person as the vice presidential running mate. And that grating accent... oh mah gawd. Although I don't think Obama is that wonderful, he is preferable to another George "Dubya" Bush. He's just more sincere.
I have no idea why am I talking about my event, insurance policies and how it led to American politicians but I think I should stop now before I head to the topic of werewolves. Which is rather interesting actually, given the book am reading. But will stop myself now.
Given the recent financial crisis and impending economic forecasts of doom, everyone's tightening their belts and companies are cutting training budgets so this is a really bad time for us to do this event. Am praying so hard that things will turn out all right and that we will have at least 200 pax. I think that should be sufficient to cover the costs.
With all the worry about insurance giant AIG being rescued by the Feds, I surrendered 2 policies (am so fuming mad at AIA now, irrationally or otherwise) yesterday during lunch hour and in the process, lost close to $6,000 OF.MY.HARDEARNED.MONEY. If I can react this way to losing $6k, I can't imagine how it must be for the countless of others who lost their homes, life savings and probably jobs soon. With the cost of food rising, natural disasters and all, think the only ones who will be making money during this period are doctors and funeral homes. Sounds dire? But it makes sense. Can you imagine how many people had heart attacks and a rise in blood pressure on Black Monday? And after the Senate refused to pass the bailout plan initially? I've been reading the papers that more and more suicides are happening because of the loss of jobs, mortgages, retirement funds, etc. It's beyond bleak.
And has it trickled down to our tiny island? I think so. People aren't spending, companies are cutting budgets and those employed by financial institutions and banks are pretty much in a limbo state of uncertainty. Asia had our 1997 crisis and weathered through it and so will the US. What goes down must eventually come up. In other less despairing news, "In a speech yesterday in Milwaukee, President Bush vowed to do whatever it takes to keep the economy strong. In fact he said that if he needs to, he will take vacation for another three months." —Jay Leno (courtesy of www.politicalhumor.about.com)
I think I pay more attention to American, Malaysian, Indonesian or even Thai politics than my own Singaporean politics. They're just more interesting and the things that come out of Sarah Palin's mouth sometimes just leaves me flabbergasted that the McCain would pick such an uncouth person as the vice presidential running mate. And that grating accent... oh mah gawd. Although I don't think Obama is that wonderful, he is preferable to another George "Dubya" Bush. He's just more sincere.
I have no idea why am I talking about my event, insurance policies and how it led to American politicians but I think I should stop now before I head to the topic of werewolves. Which is rather interesting actually, given the book am reading. But will stop myself now.
11 Sept 2008
Books! My first love.
Someone sent me a checklist of 100 classics of all time to see how many you actually read, loved and didn't really like. My really loved list is kind of short.
Here are the instructions:
- Look at the list and bold those you have read.
- Italicise the ones you want to read.
- Underline the books you really loved and strikethrough the ones really didn't enjoy
1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In A Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
Here are the instructions:
- Look at the list and bold those you have read.
- Italicise the ones you want to read.
- Underline the books you really loved and strikethrough the ones really didn't enjoy
1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In A Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
8 Sept 2008
NEVER going to a Pedder Warehouse Sale AGAIN
Saturday and Sunday was the annual Pedder Warehouse Sale where it's up to 80% off designer shoes, handbags and accessories and it was utter madness!! 50% off Marc Jacobs or Louboutins anyone? I've never been to a Pedder Warehouse Sale before and was itching to see what they had on sale. Are the discounts for real? Are the stocks from eons and eons ago?
As curiousity got the better of me, I actually headed down on Saturday morning. The flyer stated 10am opening and initial thoughts was that I would go early and be done within an hour but good golly miss molly! wah lao, there was a queue already! A damn long one by the way...
MA was still in bed and was supposed to meet him at 12pm, I thought ok, I've got some time to kill and took my place in the queue. FOR ONE HOUR. Before I managed to get into that stifling little room. Now I must add that I was not hard up to buy anything, especially since MA got me a gorgeous YSL Muse for my birthday and I had just spring cleaned my wardrobe and shoe closet but the moment I passed the half hour mark, sheer stubborness set in. "I've already waited 30 minutes. I had BETTER get into that room."
Of cos I got in... and discovered, not the first time, that women go absolutely insane when it comes to designer shoes and handbags.on.sale. All niceties, manners and decorum fly out the window. I stood rooted to a spot for a good five minutes taking in the scene while all chaos reigned about. Some smart ones brought their male friends/partners to help them chope a space in the cashier queue, which was another goddamn nightmare. But surprisingly, the goodies were actually quite impressive. Stacks of Pedder Red (aka affordable), Keds (also affordable), Repetto, Christian Louboutin, Stuart Weitzman, Beverly Feldman, Marc Jacobs, and more. ALL.ON.SALE. All the char bors were going nuts! And it was a kind strange comfort to see the common love of shoes that transcends race, colour, profession and social stratas. Some of them bought like they starved all year only to unleash their credit cards for this.
The room was sooo tiny for the amount of people with barely enough oxygen for each and the number of sales persons were pathetic with every one of them save one, wearing masks of misery at the hordes of crazed women shouting "Have size 40 or not? Got gold one? Where is the other half of this pair? This one how much discount hah? Miss, I want that pair!! What else what else? Show me everything you have in size 38!" I was not one of them!
Dear On Pedder, with the amount of ka-ching you guys make, I should think you would be able to afford a larger function room with more staff and cashiers. And shouldn't you have a better system of attending to customers since you do this every year? Have you any idea of the agony of being rounded up like caged cattle separated from goods of desire by a mere table length but not having sufficient sales people to help reach them? Don't be ngiao next year please.
I sorely wanted to buy the Repetto ballet flats but the queue was another long long long line and I was afraid of passing out due to lack of oxygen so I left, EMPTYHANDED. Was so sad.. told MA later that day to remind me never to attempt another Pedder Sale. Consolation was found in a pair of $19.90 flats at Far East Plaza.
27 Aug 2008
Luckiest char bor alive - ME!
Inner Peace...The wonderful, zen-like feeling of being at peace. And I am peaceful..more than I have been in a long time. Just like how I told Pam the other day in the cab, I am happy now. Finally.
A friend called with a job offer about a month ago and the scope sounded all right and the money was really good for that kind of work but it would mean going back to the corporate sector. And whenever I think of stepping back into yet another grey/blue/white skyscraper, it completely paralyses and fills me with dread. The image of impending death of soul.
Contentment and happiness are just not comparable to monetary gains. Yes, I know the cash will go a long way and come in handy but I'm a nicer, better, more loving person when I'm cheery and peaceful. It translates to happier relationships, harmony at home as well as the love front. And you just can't put a dollar value to that sort of thing. The upside is that my organisation is revising our pay (yay!!) and even giving a one-time inflation package. Though it's not much, it shows they care enough about us.
MA tells me not to stress about finding what steps in life to take next but to enjoy the moment, to BE in the moment and cherish it. And the foggy path will clear itself out. I think he's right. I'm not agonising over it anymore. I just enjoy being happy, content and bathed in the love of my family, friends and my man.
I feel like the luckiest girl alive.
8 Aug 2008
Moving on, growing up
It's been almost 8 months here at this little non-profit place. This neurotic, schizo world made up of:
1. Strangers who knock at the door asking the most inane of questions
2. Intellectual radicals who like to rant
3. Complaining aunties, sometimes with good intentions
4. Pro-governement zombies who are just so..so... *roll eyes*
5. See-saw wannabes who toggle between domesticity and independence
6. Sweet, humble folk who enjoy life and understand simplicity
7. Publicity whores
8. Self-important hypocrites who pretend they actually believe in some cause when in reality, they are no. 7
It's been a real eye-opener outside the corporate landscape. In the corp world, everyone's pretty standard in a way. You can see common threads running through people , much like same-coloured strings pulled by the puppet master CEO. Everyone's preoccupied with almost similar worries about cost cutting, operates with efficiency, minds are all geared towards the same goal called the bottomline.
It's not so clearcut in here. There is a mishmash of people from all walks and hierachies of society, from your prolific socialites to the homeless, weak and vunerable, from very young to grandmothers, from pro-PAP to government critics and the idealistic to the jaded machines. My eyes have opened to the many lives of our Singaporean and expatriate ways, thoughts and hearts. Some are golden, some are grey. There is no black and white.
It's been a great ride here. Not all the time but my own weirdness have fit in better here than it had ever did in the corp landscape. I talk as if am leaving and in some ways, I am. Had a quiet session with myself the other day and like I told MA, I think I finally have some inkling of who I am and where I'm headed. And the time's right now. The slow learner is learning. Who knows how long it'll take before I bloom but this is a start. The forum helped me to complete my past, God answered me by bringing my family back together again, MA loves, shoulders and supports me in my growing up. I have every blessing I can have and it's time for me to stop hiding and get out and be out there.
Anne's back from the States and she called the other day saying Nova's hubby is on life support. He had a fall which seemed minor, and shortly after fell into a coma. Now he's in ICU on life support and even if he makes it through, he'll be brain damaged. Would've turned 45 next month. It really shook me. And I don't even know him that well. But every year, the people who die suddenly or from freak accidents creep closer into my 7 degrees of separation. I don't want to die knowing I never tried coming close to my dreams, or never got married or experienced childbirth, or had an only-civil relationship with my parents, or had superficial friendships or didn't give back in some small way. If I had only 15 years left, that's not much time.
Time to get a move on...
1. Strangers who knock at the door asking the most inane of questions
2. Intellectual radicals who like to rant
3. Complaining aunties, sometimes with good intentions
4. Pro-governement zombies who are just so..so... *roll eyes*
5. See-saw wannabes who toggle between domesticity and independence
6. Sweet, humble folk who enjoy life and understand simplicity
7. Publicity whores
8. Self-important hypocrites who pretend they actually believe in some cause when in reality, they are no. 7
It's been a real eye-opener outside the corporate landscape. In the corp world, everyone's pretty standard in a way. You can see common threads running through people , much like same-coloured strings pulled by the puppet master CEO. Everyone's preoccupied with almost similar worries about cost cutting, operates with efficiency, minds are all geared towards the same goal called the bottomline.
It's not so clearcut in here. There is a mishmash of people from all walks and hierachies of society, from your prolific socialites to the homeless, weak and vunerable, from very young to grandmothers, from pro-PAP to government critics and the idealistic to the jaded machines. My eyes have opened to the many lives of our Singaporean and expatriate ways, thoughts and hearts. Some are golden, some are grey. There is no black and white.
It's been a great ride here. Not all the time but my own weirdness have fit in better here than it had ever did in the corp landscape. I talk as if am leaving and in some ways, I am. Had a quiet session with myself the other day and like I told MA, I think I finally have some inkling of who I am and where I'm headed. And the time's right now. The slow learner is learning. Who knows how long it'll take before I bloom but this is a start. The forum helped me to complete my past, God answered me by bringing my family back together again, MA loves, shoulders and supports me in my growing up. I have every blessing I can have and it's time for me to stop hiding and get out and be out there.
Anne's back from the States and she called the other day saying Nova's hubby is on life support. He had a fall which seemed minor, and shortly after fell into a coma. Now he's in ICU on life support and even if he makes it through, he'll be brain damaged. Would've turned 45 next month. It really shook me. And I don't even know him that well. But every year, the people who die suddenly or from freak accidents creep closer into my 7 degrees of separation. I don't want to die knowing I never tried coming close to my dreams, or never got married or experienced childbirth, or had an only-civil relationship with my parents, or had superficial friendships or didn't give back in some small way. If I had only 15 years left, that's not much time.
Time to get a move on...
4 Aug 2008
In need of redemption
So Lord, what would you have me do?
My life is halfway through
I haven’t accomplished very much
Instead I’ve upped Apathy a notch
Society, all going to the dogs
I’m no better, same sorry sod
Living a world of disillusionment
Where money makes for life’s fulfilment
I don’t understand the people around
Strutting abound with make-believe crowns
What they think mean something
But oh! near sighted, little bitty humdings
Buying into that slim-is-sexy theme
Scalpelling the way to self esteem
Sure, that SUV is will be your salvation
And Victoria’s chic bob your redemption
When did life become so shallow
And materialism good enough for a bedfellow
Then golden toys and trinkets stop thrilling
And an empty darkness loom, beckoning
How to end this fatal existence
With my life a farce and all pretending
But every time to kneel, to start praying
I’ll always just end up blubbering
My life is halfway through
I haven’t accomplished very much
Instead I’ve upped Apathy a notch
Society, all going to the dogs
I’m no better, same sorry sod
Living a world of disillusionment
Where money makes for life’s fulfilment
I don’t understand the people around
Strutting abound with make-believe crowns
What they think mean something
But oh! near sighted, little bitty humdings
Buying into that slim-is-sexy theme
Scalpelling the way to self esteem
Sure, that SUV is will be your salvation
And Victoria’s chic bob your redemption
When did life become so shallow
And materialism good enough for a bedfellow
Then golden toys and trinkets stop thrilling
And an empty darkness loom, beckoning
How to end this fatal existence
With my life a farce and all pretending
But every time to kneel, to start praying
I’ll always just end up blubbering
7 Jul 2008
Bored, blue Monday
I'm not usually blue on Mondays. Unlike a whole lot of other people I know, I'm actually all right with coming to work on Mondays. And this only happens here in this place. With my old jobs, I always dreaded to go into the office. In fact, I dreaded being there the whole week.
This simply tells me that non-profit organisations are better for my peace of mind. I don't know why but after the first 6 months moaning about the lack of structure, lack of IT personnel and budgets, I've come to realise that I actually prefer here than all of my other jobs combined. And all of those were in the corporate sector. I've always been a misfit there. I can look the part but honestly, the whole culture just leaves me stumped and confused and disillusioned. People seem to talk in tongues. But that's just me.
After being in an NPO for almost 8 months now, I'm bored. People offer me a whole range of reasons from it's because it's not my calling to because NPOs are slow. NPOs are relatively laid back and there's alot less politics... I mean there are no bottom lines to speak of and there are so few staff, what's there to compete? It's largely harmonious but there's no such thing as perfect harmony when there's a bunch of humans around each other. 2 already got problem. Pet peeves, annoying habits and browlifting quirks will manifest themselves in no time.
Let me introduce you to my colls.
There's one with huge boobs and I'm talking HUGE. Double Ds have nothing on this gal. I'm talking G-cups here. She can be quite all right but sometimes is a real bimbo. Is never organised and leaves the rest of us to clean up after her all the time. I lost it last week and gave her a talking to but I don't really know how much registered. And this hot-air behaviour of hers really riles up another coll who is a real smart chick but suffers from the negavitity-cum-complainer syndrome. She has a heart of gold and very quick witted but is always so negative about life. And people. I get along with her the most because she seems the most genuine. And auntie like me. Then I have another coll who the blurrest of us all. And sometimes, I think it's put on so she can get away with alot of other stuff. She suffers from verbal diarrheoa from time to time saying out loud things we only say in our head. She told an ex-coll straight to her face, "You're the kind of person who only talks but no action lah." in her sweet, gentle motherly voice, with a straight face and has no ill intent behind it at all. We have an intern currently. An econs undergrad cum modern dancer who's the most indecisive 21 year old I've come across. Can be so aggro at times. Gen Y lah, I tell myself. And our boss is a highly intelligent liberal with mood swings and a sweet tooth who jumps at everything and thinks we have ESP and can read her mind.
So this is my life now. For 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. But overall, they are nice people, nicer and more genuine than the types I used to meet at the bank. I'd rather someone had verbal diarrheoa all the time and spoke their mind than leave me guessing when I'll get stabbed in the back. It's like a little family here and I am rather contented. Except for the job scope.
It's not difficult but it takes me out of my comfort zone. Like PR and event management which are both not my forte. Then again, I don't know what my forte is. But making small talk to random strangers and sales pitches and organising events are not easy peasy for me. Never has been. Perhaps never will. Maybe it'll come in handy for my next move in life. But at the same time, I am administrator, website content manager, copywriter, graphic designer, salesperson, event person, IT person, receptionist, customer service rep. Basically PKL lah.
Am seriously contemplating the next move already. I am fairly sure I received my sign (I think) from above but I have no idea why I am so scared. Time to prayer harder. But I know my prayers are always heard. And answered. In His own time of course.
This simply tells me that non-profit organisations are better for my peace of mind. I don't know why but after the first 6 months moaning about the lack of structure, lack of IT personnel and budgets, I've come to realise that I actually prefer here than all of my other jobs combined. And all of those were in the corporate sector. I've always been a misfit there. I can look the part but honestly, the whole culture just leaves me stumped and confused and disillusioned. People seem to talk in tongues. But that's just me.
After being in an NPO for almost 8 months now, I'm bored. People offer me a whole range of reasons from it's because it's not my calling to because NPOs are slow. NPOs are relatively laid back and there's alot less politics... I mean there are no bottom lines to speak of and there are so few staff, what's there to compete? It's largely harmonious but there's no such thing as perfect harmony when there's a bunch of humans around each other. 2 already got problem. Pet peeves, annoying habits and browlifting quirks will manifest themselves in no time.
Let me introduce you to my colls.
There's one with huge boobs and I'm talking HUGE. Double Ds have nothing on this gal. I'm talking G-cups here. She can be quite all right but sometimes is a real bimbo. Is never organised and leaves the rest of us to clean up after her all the time. I lost it last week and gave her a talking to but I don't really know how much registered. And this hot-air behaviour of hers really riles up another coll who is a real smart chick but suffers from the negavitity-cum-complainer syndrome. She has a heart of gold and very quick witted but is always so negative about life. And people. I get along with her the most because she seems the most genuine. And auntie like me. Then I have another coll who the blurrest of us all. And sometimes, I think it's put on so she can get away with alot of other stuff. She suffers from verbal diarrheoa from time to time saying out loud things we only say in our head. She told an ex-coll straight to her face, "You're the kind of person who only talks but no action lah." in her sweet, gentle motherly voice, with a straight face and has no ill intent behind it at all. We have an intern currently. An econs undergrad cum modern dancer who's the most indecisive 21 year old I've come across. Can be so aggro at times. Gen Y lah, I tell myself. And our boss is a highly intelligent liberal with mood swings and a sweet tooth who jumps at everything and thinks we have ESP and can read her mind.
So this is my life now. For 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. But overall, they are nice people, nicer and more genuine than the types I used to meet at the bank. I'd rather someone had verbal diarrheoa all the time and spoke their mind than leave me guessing when I'll get stabbed in the back. It's like a little family here and I am rather contented. Except for the job scope.
It's not difficult but it takes me out of my comfort zone. Like PR and event management which are both not my forte. Then again, I don't know what my forte is. But making small talk to random strangers and sales pitches and organising events are not easy peasy for me. Never has been. Perhaps never will. Maybe it'll come in handy for my next move in life. But at the same time, I am administrator, website content manager, copywriter, graphic designer, salesperson, event person, IT person, receptionist, customer service rep. Basically PKL lah.
Am seriously contemplating the next move already. I am fairly sure I received my sign (I think) from above but I have no idea why I am so scared. Time to prayer harder. But I know my prayers are always heard. And answered. In His own time of course.
12 Jun 2008
Plain, Simple and Pink
My girlfriend Angela has always badgered me to do more on my blog. Post pictures! Links! Have music and err.. I can't recall what else. I think if I gave her free rein, I think it will look a lot better than its current state. Babe, you want to try?
But I have never done more than to colour the background and text and change the fonts. Apart from my ineptitude with the simplest of tech, I found that self-expression pervades everything in my life and that translates to Plain and Simple.
My clothes, bedroom, scrapbooks, photo albums, Facebook account, and almost everything says the same thing. It's always be plain (rarely patterned) colours, decorated in a way that's almost childish. If I took photos of my wardrobe, shoe cupboard, scrapbooks and bedroom, you'll know what I mean.
Maybe it's a Virgo thing.
But I have never done more than to colour the background and text and change the fonts. Apart from my ineptitude with the simplest of tech, I found that self-expression pervades everything in my life and that translates to Plain and Simple.
My clothes, bedroom, scrapbooks, photo albums, Facebook account, and almost everything says the same thing. It's always be plain (rarely patterned) colours, decorated in a way that's almost childish. If I took photos of my wardrobe, shoe cupboard, scrapbooks and bedroom, you'll know what I mean.
Maybe it's a Virgo thing.
19 May 2008
Some of My Favourite Quotes
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night.".
Charlie Brown
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde
When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge.
Albert Einstein
God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try.
Mother Teresa
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Oscar Wilde
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
Mother Teresa
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.
Carl Jung
Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.
George Bernard Shaw
To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.
Auguries of Innocence - William Blake
18 May 2008
Movie Review!
Latest movies watched:
1. Iron Man
2. What Happens in Las Vegas
Who would've thought Robert Downey JR was actually quite a good fit to play the annoying self-involved weapons designer cum ladies man? Perfect amount of smug and seriousness and drywit, I applaud the consummate actor for being perfectly believable as Tony Stark. Not the usual, kazillionaire-by-day and drowning-in-angst vigilante by-nite (Batman where art thou?), this superhero actually loves being one and thinks nothing of flaunting the must have outfit and gadgetry, which in this case, is very probably not made of iron, in broad daylight. My mother would have approved of the colour combi. Very auspicious.
Poor Gwyneth though. Pepper Potts really dumbed down this smart blonde. No wonder they dyed her hair red for this movie. Also very auspicious lah. I'd say all the ang worked. Look at the amount of money the movie made at the box office.
On the chick-com side, What Happens in Vegas is the usual cute but perfectly predictable rom-com starring the perfectly likable Ashton and Cameron. All perfect hair and perfect teeth and both very tall. But Cameron looks like she overdid the spray tan. What issit about the ang mohs and their obsession with "sunkissedness"?
Dounch unnerstand. Pefectly forgettable movie. I felt a mite ripped off cos it felt like a lame movie by 2 stars capable of better stuff but decided to boost their bank accounts by having a lot of fun on-screen at our expense.
1. Iron Man
2. What Happens in Las Vegas
Who would've thought Robert Downey JR was actually quite a good fit to play the annoying self-involved weapons designer cum ladies man? Perfect amount of smug and seriousness and drywit, I applaud the consummate actor for being perfectly believable as Tony Stark. Not the usual, kazillionaire-by-day and drowning-in-angst vigilante by-nite (Batman where art thou?), this superhero actually loves being one and thinks nothing of flaunting the must have outfit and gadgetry, which in this case, is very probably not made of iron, in broad daylight. My mother would have approved of the colour combi. Very auspicious.
Poor Gwyneth though. Pepper Potts really dumbed down this smart blonde. No wonder they dyed her hair red for this movie. Also very auspicious lah. I'd say all the ang worked. Look at the amount of money the movie made at the box office.
On the chick-com side, What Happens in Vegas is the usual cute but perfectly predictable rom-com starring the perfectly likable Ashton and Cameron. All perfect hair and perfect teeth and both very tall. But Cameron looks like she overdid the spray tan. What issit about the ang mohs and their obsession with "sunkissedness"?
Dounch unnerstand. Pefectly forgettable movie. I felt a mite ripped off cos it felt like a lame movie by 2 stars capable of better stuff but decided to boost their bank accounts by having a lot of fun on-screen at our expense.
Huh goes the mo
Be happy for those around you
Although you’re crying inside
For the injustice of it all
That you’re always
The last one left behind
What your heart desires
Never seems to ever come to fruit
And you wonder where you’ve gone wrong
Again. To experience the happiness
Only through other peoples’ lives
You tell yourself to stop feeling sorry
To quit having pity
To rejoice in the hand fate dealt you
And forget about the rest
Like the longing in your heart
Like the man whose feet are too big for his shoes
You have what you have but they never fit
So do you accept those shoes
Or would you rather go barefoot
And wait for the glass slipper?
Some say you make those shoes
But what if cobbler training fails you
Then what have you to show?
But tattered leather and bare feet
And even sorrier than you were before
How do you be happy for others
When you aren’t happy?
How do you make the way for yourself
When you’re horrendous at maps?
Or is it ok to get lost and let fate lead the way
I’ve tried all them guide books
And all the so-called inspiration stuff
Even turned my life over to God
He says patience my child
I say Father I’ve waited too long
I’m tired of being patient to be patient
I’m tired of being left behind
I’m tired of always being the last
And never being the first
Am I missing something?
Although you’re crying inside
For the injustice of it all
That you’re always
The last one left behind
What your heart desires
Never seems to ever come to fruit
And you wonder where you’ve gone wrong
Again. To experience the happiness
Only through other peoples’ lives
You tell yourself to stop feeling sorry
To quit having pity
To rejoice in the hand fate dealt you
And forget about the rest
Like the longing in your heart
Like the man whose feet are too big for his shoes
You have what you have but they never fit
So do you accept those shoes
Or would you rather go barefoot
And wait for the glass slipper?
Some say you make those shoes
But what if cobbler training fails you
Then what have you to show?
But tattered leather and bare feet
And even sorrier than you were before
How do you be happy for others
When you aren’t happy?
How do you make the way for yourself
When you’re horrendous at maps?
Or is it ok to get lost and let fate lead the way
I’ve tried all them guide books
And all the so-called inspiration stuff
Even turned my life over to God
He says patience my child
I say Father I’ve waited too long
I’m tired of being patient to be patient
I’m tired of being left behind
I’m tired of always being the last
And never being the first
Am I missing something?
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