My blog is not a nice read for anyone who reads it.. if they are any. I don't have nice inspirational stuff, I have no photos, no music, no videos, nothing that would remotely entice anyone to read it.
It's a place pretty much like me. Nondescript. I've tried my whole early and teen years trying to disappear into the background and fit in but it didn't work. Now that I'm in my 30s, guess I don't care anymore if I fit in or not. Since hitting the 3-0, my attitude towards many things have changed. These days, I don't give a flying f**k about what anyone thinks of me, except for those closest to me of course. Those people who don't matter, well, f**k them. And there are alot of them. Who "share" their "concerns" and "well-meaning opinions" even when not asked. No, no one rained on my parade recently but this is just the result of a massive accumulation of crap that needs to be expressed and exorcised.
I want to rest. Watch mindless Taiwanese dramas. Eat popcorn. Go on a holiday by myself. Really really laugh my guts out. Get my skin IPL-ed and eyes lasered. Throw in my resignation letter. Paint my room. Sell all my clothes and shoes and bags.
I don't want to think about another job. I don't want to look for a diamond ring. I don't want to think about marriage. I don't want to look at insurance policies. I don't want to function for awhile.
I just want to live.
6 Apr 2010
17 Dec 2009
Waxing lyrical
I've been really moody for the past couple of months now and recent situations and emotional (or perhaps hormonal) imbalances have tipped the scale so that I am officially a tempermental minefield. I swing between raging with boiling frustration and holding on to a veritable hope that there is light for me at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I really am bipolar afterall. My sis has been egging on the intake of Evening Primrose Oil and Omega-3 to help with the situation.
No, things are not bad for me. They haven't been bad for awhile. Ever since I've awakened the spirit of gratitude, I have been a much happier person, a more content and peaceful one too. But lately, it's not working. Giving thanks for everything good and bad in my life is not working as well as it used to.
I now know what an impotent guy feels like. According to Dictionary.com, IMPOTENT is
/ˈɪmpətənt/[im-puh-tuhnt]– adjective
1. not potent; lacking power or ability.
2. utterly unable (to do something).
3. without force or effectiveness.
4. lacking bodily strength or physically helpless.
5. (of a male) unable to attain or sustain a penile erection.
6. (esp. of a male) sterile.
7. Obsolete. without restraint.
Save for the inability to attain or sustain a penile erection, I am all of the above.
Sterile.
My life is utterly sterile.
I have lost passion and fervour and have no recollection of ever being utterly consumed by something. But I'm healthy and secure and I have a job and my family and people who love me. So what else do I want? Am I being ungrateful? No. I am very grateful. Perhaps Maslow was right. The more needs that are met, an innate need to achieve self-actualisation arises.
I have pretty good ideas of what will fulfill me but lack the guts to do it. Almost all my life I have played on the safe side. I've been afraid to take risks, always persuaded that security is best and more important than anything else. But playing on this side never fulfilled me much. Instead I stare over the fence looking and envying at those pursuing their dreams and wish I had the same kind of guts to do so. Fear has held me back from so much especially the fear of poverty and failure. The irony is that playing on the safe side did not make me rich nor successful either. Then again, I've never placed much of a premium on wealth and material success to pursue it with dogged determination.
Dare I rock the boat now?
No, things are not bad for me. They haven't been bad for awhile. Ever since I've awakened the spirit of gratitude, I have been a much happier person, a more content and peaceful one too. But lately, it's not working. Giving thanks for everything good and bad in my life is not working as well as it used to.
I now know what an impotent guy feels like. According to Dictionary.com, IMPOTENT is
/ˈɪmpətənt/[im-puh-tuhnt]– adjective
1. not potent; lacking power or ability.
2. utterly unable (to do something).
3. without force or effectiveness.
4. lacking bodily strength or physically helpless.
5. (of a male) unable to attain or sustain a penile erection.
6. (esp. of a male) sterile.
7. Obsolete. without restraint.
Save for the inability to attain or sustain a penile erection, I am all of the above.
Sterile.
My life is utterly sterile.
I have lost passion and fervour and have no recollection of ever being utterly consumed by something. But I'm healthy and secure and I have a job and my family and people who love me. So what else do I want? Am I being ungrateful? No. I am very grateful. Perhaps Maslow was right. The more needs that are met, an innate need to achieve self-actualisation arises.
I have pretty good ideas of what will fulfill me but lack the guts to do it. Almost all my life I have played on the safe side. I've been afraid to take risks, always persuaded that security is best and more important than anything else. But playing on this side never fulfilled me much. Instead I stare over the fence looking and envying at those pursuing their dreams and wish I had the same kind of guts to do so. Fear has held me back from so much especially the fear of poverty and failure. The irony is that playing on the safe side did not make me rich nor successful either. Then again, I've never placed much of a premium on wealth and material success to pursue it with dogged determination.
Dare I rock the boat now?
28 Jul 2009
Tired (wo)man....
I'm exhausted.
I'm so glad the event's over but I've never been so tired to do a relatively simple forum. I was tired before I embarked on it and even more so during. And now that it's over, and despite my 10.30pm lights out policy these days, the lingering effects of fatigue are not fading away. I.AM.GETTING.OLD.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When did this ageing process creep up on me without me knowing???
Sad but true. My skin's in such terrible condition that even a 80-minute SKll facial could only do so much. The facialist recommended me to intensively treat the problem with 2 masks per week for a month for it to stabilise. Wah Lao... a pack of 6 masks ($98 - $115) will last me only 3 weeks. So smart little me has decided to alternate between a regular Watsons hydrating and whitening mask ($7.95 for pack of 6) and the SKll one so that that SKll pack will last me 6 weeks instead. And so far, after 2 weeks, it's working. Skin's more hydrated, pigmentation less prominent (I have some terrible scars lately from all the breakouts) and makeup glides on alot better than before. Even the colls said my complexion looks brighter.
Moral of the story - Use masks regularly. I'm a total convert. Even the cheap ones are ok. I just don't buy those made in China. Scared lah. The Watsons ones I use is made in Korea. Green box one - nothing fancy but does its job. And I have what they call complicated skin. Very thin and sensitive. Plus dehydrated on top and oily below. This was the conclusion using the SKll skin analyser thingamajig.
I get so envious looking at my sister's skin which can use almost anything drugstore and reaps results, or at The Bf's seemingly poreless complexion which he does not use anything except Eversoft facewash. Some people are born with good skin. Sigh...
I wonder if I should go back to Kin Mun Clinic for a light and peel soon.
I'm so glad the event's over but I've never been so tired to do a relatively simple forum. I was tired before I embarked on it and even more so during. And now that it's over, and despite my 10.30pm lights out policy these days, the lingering effects of fatigue are not fading away. I.AM.GETTING.OLD.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When did this ageing process creep up on me without me knowing???
Sad but true. My skin's in such terrible condition that even a 80-minute SKll facial could only do so much. The facialist recommended me to intensively treat the problem with 2 masks per week for a month for it to stabilise. Wah Lao... a pack of 6 masks ($98 - $115) will last me only 3 weeks. So smart little me has decided to alternate between a regular Watsons hydrating and whitening mask ($7.95 for pack of 6) and the SKll one so that that SKll pack will last me 6 weeks instead. And so far, after 2 weeks, it's working. Skin's more hydrated, pigmentation less prominent (I have some terrible scars lately from all the breakouts) and makeup glides on alot better than before. Even the colls said my complexion looks brighter.
Moral of the story - Use masks regularly. I'm a total convert. Even the cheap ones are ok. I just don't buy those made in China. Scared lah. The Watsons ones I use is made in Korea. Green box one - nothing fancy but does its job. And I have what they call complicated skin. Very thin and sensitive. Plus dehydrated on top and oily below. This was the conclusion using the SKll skin analyser thingamajig.
I get so envious looking at my sister's skin which can use almost anything drugstore and reaps results, or at The Bf's seemingly poreless complexion which he does not use anything except Eversoft facewash. Some people are born with good skin. Sigh...
I wonder if I should go back to Kin Mun Clinic for a light and peel soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
